


Killing Me Softly

by Porcelainmunchkin



Series: Killing Me Softly [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-22
Updated: 2014-12-04
Packaged: 2018-01-20 11:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1508096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Porcelainmunchkin/pseuds/Porcelainmunchkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt comes back from the hospital after being gay bashed and slowly starts to realise that he deserves better.</p><p>[Warnings: Abusive relationship, dub-con, mentions of the past canon events, dealing with the aftermath from the bashing, possible physical violence.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks for Miranda for being an amazing beta.  
> Please, read the warnings.

Kurt slowly climbed up the stairs, trying not to show in how much pain he was; not that anyone would notice in an empty hallway. He told Blaine he was fine, he could do it and he was going to, especially since all his friends weren’t even there yet. He wasn’t in a mood for the “traditional” Monday dinner but they were supposed to celebrate him so it would be rude to ask them not to come. 

Kurt was freshly out of the hospital when he went to see the memorial for Russ with Blaine and he was still struggling with every day activities that his beaten up body just made it harder to go through. He sighed as he reached the top of the stairs and opened the door to the loft, before he put the keys on the hook by the door and took off his jacket.  
Kurt entered his room and sighed at the sight of the unpacked hospital bag lying by the privacy curtain. It was a little too much for him to do it now so he let it sit there when he lay down on the bed. His dad was in a hotel, alone. He could call him, they could hang out, but Kurt didn’t really feel like it. Not because he had anything against hanging out with Burt, not at all. It was just that his dad would worry because Kurt wasn’t back in shape yet. That was what worried everyone around him the most, despite the fact he felt better physically than he did mentally. Most of the cuts were already on their way to healing but Kurt still kept waking up in the middle of the night, like the bashing happened a few hours ago and not days.

Kurt sighed and closed his eyes. Getting better seemed to be a longer process than he had thought and the actual sadness didn’t hit him until he was about to leave the hospital. Yes, of course he was proud of what he did because god knows what those guys would have done to the man they were beating up. It was really probable that Kurt simply saved his life. Yet, he couldn’t feel happy about it: not anymore.

Kurt sighed and closed his eyes, thinking about it. It wasn’t really the fact that he got beaten up. He didn’t regret it, what he told Burt was truth. But it was the realisation he’d had over the past few days. He could have lost his life. That’s just the thing that could have happened and that it didn’t was a blessing but it made Kurt think. Was he really happy with his life as it was at that moment? 

Because he was in his dream school and had an amazing roommate (they fought occasionally but they loved each other nevertheless), he had a supportive father and a step-mom that was there for him and he was there for her. Some things that happened in the past few months he couldn’t change. And there was one he could and realising that slowly was one of the most painful feelings. 

Blaine was a factor in Kurt life that stopped being 100% positive a long time ago. The fight they had before the attack wasn’t the first in the past few months. They fought over things that weren’t just as little as misplaced socks. Their fights were hurtful and after every single one Kurt felt like the bad guy. Making Blaine sleep on a couch. Ruining Blaine’s idea for a working space. Making Blaine change his schedule back to the first draft. Making Blaine move out.

Sometimes Kurt wasn’t sure anymore what was his own decision and what was the one they made together. He sighed again and sat up, looking around. Time to unpack before starting dinner and meeting Blaine to go to Russ’s memorial. He wasn’t happy but it was probably just the effect of the medication he was taking and exhaustion from the stay in a hospital. After all, everyone thought he and Blaine were an ideal couple.

~*~

Kurt bit his lip before getting inside the building. He let everyone go ahead and stayed outside to take a few deep breaths and calm himself down. He could have postponed it and maybe for a second there he regretted not listening to Blaine. But his voice was fine and he was ready. He was a fighter and he wanted to perform for his Midwinter Critique on time.

Kurt knew that Blaine talked to Madam Tibideaux about rescheduling his performance the same day it happened and he was a little irritated that no one thought of consulting him before making that decision. So he went and scheduled it back to the previous date after assuring the dean that yes, he was able to do it and no, he wasn’t going to hurt himself and no, he didn’t do it because he thought she’d fail him and letting him not perform at all definitely wasn’t an option.

Kurt took off the jacket and put his bag in the changing room, already in an outfit he planned carefully for this performance. He straightened his tie and looked in the mirror.

Maybe he should have put on some make up? What if people thought he was using his injuries for pity? What if people judged him because usually everyone in NYADA looked perfect 24/7 and the injuries weren’t pretty, the cuts on his face weren’t pretty and didn’t fit the image of a perfect NYADA student?

But Kurt wanted to show them that he was fine. That despite everything he was ready to get back on track and that it was not easy to break him. That beating him up was not going to break him, not inside.

Kurt sighed and fixed his hair one last time, making sure that his pants were zipped and his shirt was tucked in on the back. After all the blazer was not going to stay for much longer. He smiled at himself and then left the room, entering the Round Room. He smiled at Mercedes and Rachel before joining his dad and Blaine and taking the seat they reserved for him as Madam Tibideaux welcomed everyone and first performers started singing. Kurt looked at the girl who danced through the whole room and suddenly realised he was not going to be able to beat that. He was still healing and dancing vigorously was never an option and the perfectly planned performance was supposed to be based more on his acting skills and the interaction with the audience but what if he was wrong, again? What if all of that was going to be a disaster? Kurt bit his lip and stood up when his name was called. There was no escape now anyway so why just not go through with a plan?

~*~

"You could have gotten hurt, Kurt!" Blaine looked at him with disapproval as they finally were alone in Kurt’s part of the apartment. Rachel went out to celebrate with her castmates so they had the whole loft to themselves and Kurt didn’t even have time to take off his tie before Blaine started talking how irresponsible Kurt’s jump on the piano was and he sighed heavily. Yes, he wasn’t in the best shape and maybe it was indeed taking some risk. He could have fallen off or not even managed to climb on top of the instrument but ultimately he had managed. And taking risks in this school was an everyday thing. So why was Blaine so mad?

Kurt sighed and untied his tie before he looked at Blaine.

"I could have but I’m fine. And I got feedback from Tibideaux. I mean, maybe I would have gotten it without the jump…I probably would" Kurt chuckled and smiled at the thought of his teacher’s words. "But it’s such an important performance and that was as much risk as I could get. No make up, no choreography and this. Boldness is appreciated in NYADA, isn’t it?" he shrugged and smiled at Blaine who just rolled his eyes and nodded.

"I guess… It’s just… I was worried" he stood behind Kurt and massaged his shoulders carefully. "Does your neck still hurt? Your voice sounded amazing today, do you need some hot tea with honey for it? Or medicine? I can make you some while you shower" he whispered and kissed Kurt’s shoulder through the shirt.

"I would appreciate some tea. But your last train is leaving soon, I can make it myself" Kurt said softly and turned around, smiling at Blaine tiredly.  
Blaine’s face fell. He was hoping he could stay for the night but apparently Kurt’s plans were different. He shrugged and nodded.

"I just thought I could… Stay for the night…" Blaine shrugged again and smiled unsurely.

Kurt sighed and nodded. It would be rude, after all, to make Blaine go home by himself so late after he offered to help Kurt get back to the apartment.

"Okay" Kurt nodded. "But make that tea?" He smiled and kissed Blaine briefly before going to the bathroom. Showering was taking him a little more time than it used to, but he needed to relax and it was a perfect opportunity for it so he didn’t feel bad for it.

Kurt got out of the bathroom almost an hour later and smiled at the scent of the food Blaine was making. ”I thought you promised me tea? I see you got more creative” he smiled and kissed Blaine’s neck before wrapping his arms around the boy’s waist. “What are you making?”

"Some pasta and a salad. Both or whichever you prefer" Blaine answered warmly and smiled at Kurt over his shoulder. They were going to have an amazing evening.

~*~

Kurt was lying in the darkness. He couldn’t sleep and didn’t understand why. Nothing bad happened to him, yet he was shaken and didn’t seem able to fall asleep. He sighed and turned around, his back facing Blaine.  
It’s not like there was anything wrong with being intimate with his boyfriend. He might have not felt ready but Blaine has been amazing the past few days and seemed really eager to help any time Kurt needed it and when he hinted earlier how he hoped the night would end Kurt didn’t protest. He might have murmured something about being too tired but Blaine promised to take care of him.

So why did Kurt feel so empty? He’d wanted this, hadn’t he? They loved each other, there was no reason to be shaken up after having sex with his boyfriend even if he tried to say no it was just a brief moment and then he let Blaine coax him into the bed. He didn’t say no again, did he?

Kurt swallowed heavily and touched his bare stomach that felt like it was in knots. It wasn’t Blaine’s fault that it turned out Kurt wasn’t ready. That moving like that was a little too painful. That Blaine didn’t think much of Kurt’s declaration of being tired. That Kurt just lay there, not even trying. Blaine didn’t have to guess, Kurt should have told him more than once. And maybe letting Blaine stay for the night was already some kind of declaration. So Kurt screwed up and now he felt like he was about to panic and he didn’t like it. There was nothing to panic over. They just had sex. Two adults, an engaged couple, had sex. One of them might have not been eager to do it or really happy about it but it was no big deal and Kurt got mad at himself over trying to make it bigger than it was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to Jen for doing the dirty work in such a short time.

The first day Kurt came back to school, he made sure Blaine didn’t accompany him on the way. It wasn’t that they fought or that Kurt didn’t enjoy his fiancé’s company. It’s just that going back after the break caused by the beating was important for Kurt. It felt like a victory and he didn’t want it to be full of Blaine babbling about things Kurt found unimportant so he chose the day his fiancé started classes earlier and definitely didn’t have time to come over and walk with Kurt to the campus. They were set up for lunch together, after his first class and for Kurt that was enough of Blaine’s presence in the first day.

He sighed softly at the thought. Was that how being a couple was supposed to look? Shouldn’t he be looking forward to seeing Blaine? To try and spend every minute with him? But it just didn’t feel like this, not when a whole day of classes was ahead of Kurt and he just wanted to focus on his academic studies rather than whatever Blaine was currently hyped about.

Kurt entered the dance studio and put his bag by the window, smiling at the few classmates that were already there and saying hello to everyone who greeted him. It’s been months since he realised his first impression of what people thought about him was simply inaccurate. Yes, there were some guys who hated him, probably because he actually managed to look fashionable on a daily basis without making fool out of himself, and there were some people who believed he didn’t deserve to be there. Some folks were pissed he got to sing in the Winter Showcase when he wasn’t even a student. But mostly people liked him. Especially once they actually made an effort to get to know him. Around finals he spent some time in the NYADA dorms, studying with people for the exams. He was accepted and he was liked, even being a member of Adam’s Apples didn’t change that. Sure, people asked him why he joined and sometimes rolled their eyes but no one thought any less of him just because of it.

For the first time Kurt felt accepted and happy about where he was and coming back to school already reminded him that there were people who cared. He chuckled and hugged Natalie, the petite girl who, just like him, should have been in a different dancing class, only she didn’t pass her exam after the first term there and Kurt, well, wasn’t even a student back then. He assured Natalie that he was fine before saying hi to a few more newcomers, some of them he didn’t even really know but apparently they knew about him since the reason of his absence wasn’t a mystery. Kurt took off his hoodie and started stretching, knowing well that once Ms. July arrived class was going to get intense. And the fact that he wasn’t at his best wasn’t a secret. He had spent a week in hospital and then another he mostly in bed, except for the Midwinter Critique evening. It definitely left him much weaker than he wished he was in this class.

~*~

Kurt sighed with a relief as Cassie finished the class. He went to his bag and grabbed the water bottle, downing half of it in one go before he turned around and started packing his things. That was why he didn’t notice the teacher coming to him and jumped as she started talking.

"Hummel, after you get yourself together" she motioned at him, probably meaning his messy hair and sweat that positively soaked through his clothes. "I want to see you in my office."

Kurt sighed and nodded before gathering his stuff and going to the showers. What she wanted from him was obvious. He did terrible in class, he stumbled through the steps and fell twice during a routine he should have known in his sleep. But he _was_ still recovering and they were supposed to be easier on him at the beginning. Then again, who had seen Cassie being easy on anyone. Kurt sighed as he dried his body with a towel and slowly put on clothes.

Kurt entered Cassandra’s office after knocking and looked at her unsurely.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked and went in as the teacher nodded.

"You’re underperforming, Hummel. Greatly" July said without looking up at him once. Kurt opened his mouth to reply but she silenced him with a simple gesture. "And it’s not because of the injury. You’ve been out of it for weeks. I let it slide and that was my mistake. Now I have to let it slide for a few more weeks and possibly months because of your injuries. But you won’t pass my class if you don’t start getting better. And that would be a shame" Cassandra looked up at him and raised her eyebrows. "You know, if I didn’t know any better I’d say your engagement is getting to you in a bad way. This whole semester you’re just not in the best shape and it’s hard not to connect it to that" she motioned at the ring on his finger. "But I know for a fact that your fiancé wouldn’t hurt a fly. And if he noticed something was going on with you two and he unintentionally caused it, he’d fix it. He’s better at fixing everything than most people. So what’s going on with you, Hummel? Are you sick? Like more than broken skull, bruised and almost chocked to death, sick?"

Kurt sighed and leaned on the chair. Of course she thought Blaine was perfect. Everyone thought Blaine was perfect. And it’d be ridiculous to blame Blaine for his failure in class, anyway. But the fact that everyone thought his fiancé was such a great person and so much better than him? It sucked, sometimes.

"I’m not at my best now, I suppose it’s clear why. And before the accident I’d been doing as well as the past semester, I don’t know what you’re talking about" Kurt said in a calm voice. "I’m going to try my best and if I don’t pass the class then I’ll reattend it next year. There’s nothing more I can do and I wouldn’t be the only one."  
Cassandra shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"You wouldn’t be the only one but it’d be a shame. You came here with a disadvantage. You were stubborn and took the more intense class and you survived. You could have been with people from the third semester in fall, that’s what I was planning for you. And now you’re failing. You went from one of the best in class to one of the worst and I don’t know why you let it happen, Hummel. I’m trying to find a reason but I see none. So fix it. Or you’ll get into trouble" she gestured towards the door, letting Kurt know he was dismissed. He sighed and picked up his back before leaving the office. One more problem he needed to find a solution to.

~*~

The first fight after Kurt’s release from the hospital was about his schedule. Again. Some time after Blaine moved out Kurt made sure to change his own schedule at NYADA so they weren’t together all the time. Kurt needed his space, especially after the attack when he was healing, because someone’s constant presence was distracting and, even though it was Blaine, it was tiring.

So now they were in the loft and Blaine was screaming at Kurt.

"Okay, enough!" Kurt looked at Blaine, finally and raised his hands. "I didn’t pick you up from your apartment because I forgot. Because I had a stressful class and I just…I forgot about the date night and I’m sorry. You don’t need to yell and you didn’t have to go and fight with Elliott. I forgot, it’s not his fault" Kurt sighed heavily. As soon as Kurt didn’t show up on time Blaine became angry and that’s how he ended up finding Kurt in Elliott’s apartment discussing plans for the band. And that was why they were fighting in _Elliott’s_ apartment after the owner himself hugged Kurt, said he’d give them some privacy and left.

Kurt sighed and sat on the couch, shaking his head. He was tired and now his head hurt from all the screaming. But Blaine was babbling something about them not spending enough time together and Kurt keeping him away and the boy sighed before looking up at his fiancé.

"I promise you, I’ll work on making things better. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push you away" Kurt smiled sadly and sighed with relief when Blaine pulled him into a hug. As long as they made up he could handle fights and being offended by Blaine daily. Just when the fight didn’t end quickly Blaine sometimes got a little….scary.  
Kurt shook his head and hugged his fiancé tighter. He was being stupid because of emotions.

~*~

Kurt started the combat class with stretching and as the teacher was getting late he started some lifting to kill time. Talking to anyone was just a waste of time when they had all of the equipment available for them and he told Blaine they’d talk later. Why Blaine thought it was a good idea to snack in class was beyond Kurt but he wasn’t going to say anything. Blaine was trying to find his place in school and if he was stress eating, well that happened to Kurt too at the very beginning. He was doing it at home but it was not like Blaine could control it.

"Check out the gun show" Kurt looked up and chuckled at his classmate before mumbling something about hitting puberty. Finally.

He was not ashamed of his past but he definitely knew his own body better now and took advantage of it every day with new physical routine. It felt good and was helping with the healing process - the doctor said physical activity would prevent Kurt’s body from getting weaker because of the recuperation he was going through. He chatted with the guys before the teacher finally arrived and started class. Kurt didn’t notice Blaine’s stares.


	3. Chapter 3

Kurt smiled as the evening progressed. Sam and Mercedes left, leaving him and Blaine alone and making their date possible. And as much as Kurt loved his friends, the time he spent with Blaine he cherished, too. Especially now as they hadn’t had any problems in such a long time, except for the short argument about Kurt mentioning Eli and well, Blaine was probably right, it hadn’t been necessary. Kurt smiled as Blaine agreed to make it their own night and then asked about what food Blaine was making. And for the second time in a few days he had a feeling something was off. Blaine wasn’t trying to make him eat more on purpose, was he?

  
They had different eating habits and that was okay but suddenly Kurt couldn’t help but feel like Blaine kept forgetting this. And he himself never did, he never tried to force his own diet on Blaine because it’d just be wrong but lately his fiancé seemed to forget about the difference between them. Blaine always was the one to exercise more but care slightly less about his diet and that was fine but why he was trying to make Kurt do the same now was hard to guess. Kurt sighed and shook his head before asking if they could have a salad instead. The meal Blaine had prepared was just too heavy and Kurt doubted that, even if he had wanted to, he’d be able to eat even half of it. He nodded and smiled as Blaine agreed to his proposition and went to check the movie times.

Kurt opened Blaine’s laptop - he assumed it wasn’t a big deal since they always used each other’s laptops when they didn’t have their own. But the second the screen lit up Kurt regretted his decision.

"Blaine?!" he called out and stared at the screen. Porn. Blaine had been watching porn on his laptop very recently and didn’t even feel the need to actually hide it before his fiancé came over. Kurt swallowed heavily and took a step back, staring at the screen. He shook his head at Blaine’s babbling response. Before he realised what was happening he was out of the apartment, breathing heavily after a jog down the street.

Blaine was watching porn. Very recently and pretty openly and while it wasn’t bad itself, Kurt didn’t understand why. Was this why they hadn’t been intimate for a week then? If Blaine wanted to get off then why not with his fiancé and with the stupid laptop screen? What was Kurt doing wrong that made Blaine not want him?  
He tried, he did, a few times to initiate some touching but Blaine always pushed him away and it’d been over a week if Kurt was honest. Whenever Kurt wanted to have sex Blaine was just not interested and it hurt. Was it because of the scars Kurt still had? The not completely healed bruises? It couldn’t be, they had sex the day after he got back from the hospital. Kurt entered the cafe that he was passing by and looked around. The inside looked familiar. He’d been there, a few times. How did he even get so close to NYADA campus by foot? Without realising what he was even doing? He sighed heavily and sat by the window and looked around. And then it dawned on him. He’d been there a few times, indeed, when he was dating Adam. Because his ex-boyfriend was actually working there.

Kurt wanted to stand up and leave but before he managed that Adam came close to his table. Judging by the look on his face, he regretted that as much as Kurt did not getting up and leaving sooner.

"Hello, what can I do for you?" Adam asked in a calm voice, his face back to the polite expression he reserved for his clients. The one Kurt had never seen when they were dating and Adam was taking his order.

"Adam, I’m…" Kurt frowned and looked up at the man.

"Kurt, I’m working. Do you want to order anything? Otherwise I’ll have to ask you to leave…"

"Adam, I need to talk to you" Kurt whispered and bit his lip.

"You need to order your drink and let me work. That’s what you need to do" Adam’s voice grew thicker as he stared at the notepad he was holding.

"Earl grey tea and a biscuit, thank you" Kurt whispered and looked down at the table. He missed Adam terribly but it was about time to move on. Especially since Kurt knew what Blaine thought about his friendship with his ex-boyfriend.

The boy sighed as he waited for his order. He really needed someone to talk to and in the past his first choice would have been Adam. But not anymore, that door was closed. Kurt hurt one more person he cared so much about and this time he didn’t know how to fix it.

~*~

"Yeah, I mean, it was a little surprising that you did perform on time. And amazingly, I must add" Mark smiled. Kurt nodded.

"I just didn’t want to postpone it because I didn’t really feel like later I’m going to do it any better, you know" he shrugged with a smile as he heard Blaine entering and frowned at the question about him not being by the diner. He forgot, he really did and not because of the stupid fight over porn.

"You know, Blaine, sometimes I think we talk too much" he cut off Blaine’s rant and grabbed a sword and shield before taking his place in the line. They went through some simple stances before they had to pair up and this time Blaine stood in front of him before anyone else. Kurt sighed softly as they sparred, Blaine’s balance still off so he had to help him up a few times. When they got to the boxing part, though, Kurt was obviously losing if only for the fact Blaine had been boxing for years. But compared to the rest of the group Blaine was much more aggressive and Kurt suddenly became afraid. His balance was still off, his head hurt sometimes and it all hinted his fracture still hadn’t fully healed. So what if he didn’t avoid one of Blaine’s punches? Especially one of those above the cushion. Kurt ducked twice and covered himself when Blaine fell on him. He pushed him off and gave the cushion to the next person before going to the side of classroom.

"Kurt, what’s wrong?" he heard the teacher ask and winced before shaking his head.

"I’m fine, it’s just that my head hurts but it’ll be fine in a minute" he murmured as an answer and looked up at the guy.

"Did you get hit?"

"No, I’m just… My fracture is still healing but I’ll be fine" Kurt sighed softly and rubbed his temples. "I’ll be fine by the time we get to fencing, I just need a minute on the side."

Kurt rested his head on the wall when the teacher went back to the middle of the room and breathed slowly. He was being a little silly about the whole thing. Blaine wouldn’t hurt him on purpose. But he almost did hurt him with one of the punches and that’s why Kurt got so scared for a minute. He breathed out, stood up and took a sip of water before he stood up and went to change into the fencing gear, watching Blaine do the same on the bench beside him. Kurt was hoping this time they wouldn’t be paired together. Blaine seemed mad and was trying to let it out on Kurt for some reason. He sighed and stood up before picking up the sword and standing on teacher’s side. And of course Blaine stood on the other. It’s not that Kurt didn’t trust him, he did. But Blaine could be a little impulsive and thoughtless sometimes and while he wouldn’t hurt Kurt on purpose and Kurt doubted he’d do it accidentally too, it was just making Kurt a tad uncomfortable.

~*~

Kurt was the one to attack first. It gave him an advantage which he knew as he’d been in this class longer than Blaine. But the match quickly turned into a real fight when Blaine held his sword with two hands, making avoiding the hits more difficult for Kurt and slightly scary. That was not how they were supposed to fence and he didn’t understand why the teacher didn’t get involved. After having to dive a few times to avoid being hit in the head Kurt made a quick move and hit Blaine, unfortunately not properly because he misjudged the distance and actually hit him with his hand. It must have been painful and Blaine protested loudly but Kurt had stopped caring. He felt attacked and the way Blaine was throwing himself at him wasn’t fair and it made him mad. After staring at his fiancé for a few moments he went to change and then to the next class. He didn’t wait, he didn’t want to have to talk to Blaine.

~*~

"It’s been brought to my attention that you behaved inappropriately in the stage combat class and I was asked to ban you from attending" Madam Tibideaux told Kurt as he settled in the chair in front of her desk. He was called to her office between classes and despite being aware something must have happened this surprised him. He didn’t remember doing anything terrible in the class and frowned as he opened his mouth to explain, but the dean just shook her head. "I’m not going to do that. Yet. You’re suspended from all classes for a week though and you have to decide wether you want to be a part of this group or not."

"Madam Tibideaux, I don’t understand" Kurt looked at her and crossed his arms to his chest. "I didn’t perform worse lately and I certainly didn’t do anything against the rules here so why the warning?"

"From what I heard, you broke the rules of the fencing match and you were reported by your partner. Now, from what I understand, Mr Anderson was the one called by a teacher for a talk because he also broke the rules, but he explained you did first which has earned you a warning. And apparently in addition to that you also hit him inappropriately which could have seriously injured him. Because of that it had to be reported and you have to be punished. It’s unacceptable to endanger anyone’s health, even in a class like stage combat."

Kurt swallowed heavily and nodded. Blaine had reported him. He actually reported him for the situation in which Kurt felt endangered. He had felt like he had to fight back against rules to stop the match and not get hurt. And now he was the one to blame. He always was.

"I’m sorry, Madam Tibideaux. It will not happen again."

"It wasn’t the only complaint I heard about you this week. You need to fix this before anyone else reports you and you’re put on probation. And you will have to work twice as hard because of the missed week. So you better make sure you really want it."

Kurt swallowed heavily and hugged himself slightly.

"I’m doing my best, Madam Tibideaux."

"Well your best needs to be as good as it was at the start. Otherwise it may be not enough. I’ll see you in a week" the teacher looked at Kurt as he nodded before leaving quickly.

~*~

Kurt entered the apartment and threw his bag to floor which got Blaine’s attention.

"Kurt?"

"You reported me. You reported me to the teacher because I hit you with my hand and not with the sword!" Kurt glared at Blaine and took a step back when he tried to get closer. "You were holding it with two hands, you had no right to do it. You had no right to accuse me of causing you danger when you started playing unfair! You almost hit my head half an hour earlier and I’m still recovering from the attack! I wouldn’t hurt you ever and you…" Kurt’s voice broke as he stared at Blaine who reached out and touched his shoulder.

"I didn’t report you, Kurt. I told the teacher because he was accusing me of doing that and well, I just had to tell him the whole story and he decided he had to report that. I didn’t want him to…" Blaine rubbed Kurt’s shoulder as the boy frowned at him.

"But they said you wanted to report me…" Kurt murmured, confused.

"I didn’t. We would both get a warning if the teacher didn’t decide to go further with it. I didn’t even know he did…" Blaine admitted quietly.

"So…we have a week free of classes now to plan together?" Kurt tried to smile but it came out more like a frown than anything else. He still felt overwhelmed from the punishment but was at least relieved Blaine didn’t do anything against him.

"I’m…not suspended from classes, I only got a warning, Kurt" Blaine answered slowly.

"But you did the same thing. You took off your mask and you were attacking with two hands!" Kurt huffed.

"Yeah but I didn’t hit you at that moment. So I didn’t hurt you and I just get off with a warning. I’m sorry, Kurt but you know I had to tell the teacher the whole story, right? I mean I’m a freshman, even if we did the same thing I’m more likely to get expelled than you, ever. Especially here, they love you here. So I just told him how it went because that’s only fair."

Kurt took a deep breath and nodded slowly.

"Yeah, yeah, of course. I’ll just…get busy with something. I’m glad only one of us got punished" he smiled sadly and sighed. Blaine was right, he hadn’t reported Kurt himself so everything was fine. Because they didn’t do that to each other. They didn’t go behind each others back and Blaine had no choice because he was asked about it. And in the end Kurt would make up for the lost time so it was fine. He slumped against Blaine’s chest and sighed deeply as his fiancé led them both to the couch. They were going to be fine, they always were.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took so long. It definitely won't happen with the next chapter.

Kurt got a phone call around noon on the second day of his suspension and rushed into the clinic where they had taken the STD tests. The conversation with the doctor was relatively short as he explained to Kurt that chlamydia was not as dangerous to men as it was to women and even if he had had if for a longer time he was going to be just fine, he should inform his partners and take antibiotics for seven days while making sure he didn't have intercourse so that he wouldn't infect Blaine and…

Blaine. Kurt stopped walking as he realised he had to tell Blaine. Blaine, who could have either given it to him or gotten it from him and Kurt didn't know which option was worse. He leaned against a wall, ignoring a few stares from the patients in the waiting room. He left the office wondering why they were staring at him. Did everyone suddenly know? That was ridiculous. Kurt shook his head and slowly left the building before getting back to the apartment. He put the pamphlets about safe sex on the table along with the medicine he picked up on his way. He had to talk to Blaine, tell him because Blaine needed to get tested, too.

Kurt groaned at the thought and looked at the meds lying on the table. Blaine was going to be pissed. No matter who gave it to whom, it was going to be a disaster. If Kurt got it from someone else they'd fight over it. And even telling Blaine was probably going to end up in a fight because mentioning anything that could remind Blaine of what he's done with Eli was always ending in a fight.

Kurt sighed, sat on the couch and closed his eyes. There was no way to do it well, no matter how much he wanted to avoid the fight it wasn't going to be possible.

When Blaine came back Kurt was finishing dinner already. He went through the notes Rachel and Blaine brought him the day before and managed to cook pasta and start on a dessert when he felt arms wrapped around his waist and heard hello murmured into his ear. Kurt took a deep breath and turned around.

“Hey, babe” he whispered and kissed Blaine chastely. “How was your day?”

“It was good. Just some difficult classes and having to deal with July” Blaine rolled his eyes and leaned into Kurt’s touch.

“I’m sorry. She’s picking on everyone, don’t worry about it.” Kurt said softly and rubbed Blaine’s back.

“Yeah, she’s tough. But I’ll survive. How was your day?” he asked and looked up at Kurt with a smile. Kurt sighed and shrugged.

“Nothing special. But I need to talk to you.” he said carefully and felt Blaine tense in his arm. Kurt barely held back a wince at the sudden change in his boyfriend. This was not going to end well.

“What happened?” Blaine asked carefully and took the step back, looking at Kurt.

"The tests we took the other day? When we went to the clinic with Artie? Mine came back positive for chlamydia. The doctor said I don't have any symptoms and he put me on antibiotics so I should be fine and you should be fine, too, if we just don't have sex for ten days but it's... It's not really having any influence on my health so there's that." Kurt rambled nervously, his eyes locked on the floor.

"You... What? You have what? Kurt, how did you even get it?" Blaine frowned and stepped closer again. "My tests came back negative so you can't blame this one on me. How did you get it?" his voice got lower, the tone dangerous.

"I don't know how. If you're... If your result came back negative then from someone else. No one that matters probably, Blaine. It's not... Important."

"It is important, Kurt! Why did you do it?!" Blaine raised his voice.  
Kurt took a deep breath and took the step back from him.

"It was long time ago. It wasn't anyone you know, no one that really matters..."

"It was that dude, wasn't it? You got it from this English guy who wasn't supposed to be anything?"

"No, it wasn't Adam. It wasn't anyone you heard about, it was just a random guy I met last year, probably. I know that Adam is clean but it doesn't matter, Blaine. We are together now..." Kurt said quietly, his voice trembling.

"So you slept with Adam?" Blaine raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms on a chest. Kurt winced and leant on a counter.

"Why are we even talking about it now, Blaine? It doesn't matter, it's the past. I'm here now. With you and not with anyone else and this just... It's just a week without having sex, we can do it..."

"We just went through two weeks without it! What if I don't want to? What if I don't want to have to be with someone who's a risk to me? Who lied to me, because you said there was nothing between you and Adam!"

Kurt shook his head and looked at Blaine.

"This is what it's all about, isn't it? Me being with Adam" he whispered and sighed.

"It's about you lying. You said there was nothing there" Blaine huffed and rolled his eyes.

"There was nothing important that I should mention. Because the moment I said yes to you? That's when he was a history. And if that's not good enough for you then I don't know what will because I had the right to date whoever I wanted while we were broken up!" Kurt finally raised his voice, feeling a little sick all of the sudden. He gave up on Adam for Blaine. He gave up on someone who never hurt him for the boy in front of him who was yelling because of the past which none of them could change. Kurt sighed and leaned on a counter.

"Kurt..."

"I'm just tired, Blaine. We weren't intimate because you were avoiding me and you know this. That was not my fault and now this, it is my fault, I did some questionable stuff in the past year that I should have done more carefully but it was not about you. And I'm so tired of fighting. Of feeling miserable when we should feel amazing. It's our life now. We should enjoy each other more than fight and that’s not happening now" Kurt finished in a trembling voice.

"You're right." Blaine admitted gently and came closer. He wrapped his arms around Kurt and held him close. "You're right, we fight too much. And that’s time to change it" he whispered and kissed Kurt's forehead.

~*~

Kurt hummed as Blaine moved by his side and then proceeded to hide under the comforter.

"Not going anywhere" he murmured and hid his face in a pillow which made Blaine chuckle.

"Come on, sleeping beauty. You know you want to go. It was your idea." Blaine whispered and kissed Kurt's temple after uncovering him. "And you'll enjoy it so come on." he tugged on Kurt's pyjama bottoms.

"Do I have to?" Kurt asked unhappily and kicked Blaine lightly when he tried to take away the covers.

"You know you do. Now, come on, baby. You'll love it." Blaine chuckled as Kurt whined again but got up, rubbing his eyes. Every day spent with that man was making him incredibly happy. Kurt was one of the best things that happened to Blaine and loving him felt just natural.

Kurt got up finally and trotted to the bathroom to go through his morning routine before they ate breakfast and went out. It was the truth, he was incredibly excited for their day together and he enjoyed it very much. Having a walk with Blaine, then going out to lunch and an evening show on Broadway, Blaine's parents bought them tickets as a birthday present for Kurt, was just what sounded like an amazing day. He cuddled into Blaine's side and ignored the stares from some old lady a few rows ahead of them as they watched Wicked together. Kurt spent the whole intermission telling Blaine for what felt like the hundred time about that day he was on that stage and they laughed together at the mention of Kurt being scared /shitless/ when he saw the bodyguard.

The second act Kurt spent both crying and laughing and it just felt too perfect and he felt so lucky.

~*~

Kurt sighed into Blaine's lips as they kissed and he pulled Blaine closer.

"You know, girls are gone for the night..." he whispered and wrapped his legs around Blaine's waist. Sitting on a counter made him much taller than Blaine it felt amazing to be wrapped around his boyfriend like that.

"Yeah, apparently they are." Blaine hummed and kissed Kurt again, his hands sliding on his fiancé’s back until he reached his hips and gripped them.

"We could do it? You know..." Kurt whispered and whimpered as Blaine touched his hips. It's been too long, for both of them and Kurt was excited to change it. Off the antibiotics, completely cured he couldn't wait. Making out just wasn't enough after almost a month.

"No, no..." Blaine murmured against Kurt's neck. "I'm good with this" he whispered and kissed Kurt's neck as his fiancé froze.

"Blaine..." Kurt whimpered and kissed Blaine, pulling him even closer.

"I'm good with this, Kurt." Blaine repeated sternly, breaking the kiss.

"I'm not. You can't be either, come on, it's been too long." Kurt tugged on Blaine's shirt trying to get it off but Blaine grabbed his wrists and pulled them away gently.

"I said no. It wasn't long enough since you started taking your medication, Kurt. I don't feel safe..." he murmured and let go of Kurt's hands.

"It's been two weeks, Blaine. I was allowed to have sex a week ago, come on." Kurt pulled Blaine closer with his legs.

"No, Kurt. I said no." Blaine unwrapped Kurt's legs from his waist and took the step back, frowning at this fiancé. "Why don't you understand that the first time? I said no and you keep pushing when I don't want to be with you like this!"

Kurt's face fell and he looked at Blaine, hurt.

"You... Don't want me? Like... Like this? At all?" he asked quietly.

"Not right now, no. I don't." Blaine hummed and rolled his eyes. "You slept with that British guy, Kurt. And you said there was nothing between you two. So excuse me but I don't really feel like having sex with you right now. I'd feel like I was having sex with him."

"You slept with Eli when we were in a relationship!" Kurt hopped off the counter and crossed his arms on a chest.

"And I never lied to you about it. I told you from the beginning and I paid my price."

"You were with me when that happened, it's not the same, Blaine."

"But it's enough to make me not want to be intimate with you. And I won't change my mind just because you use Eli argument again. We've been over this so many times and it's getting boring, Kurt. I just... You can't force me to have sex with you when I just don't feel like doing it, okay?"  
Kurt nodded slowly and then went to grab his bag from the couch.

"I'm gonna go on a walk, I need to think" he said quietly before leaving the apartment.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional warnings for physical violence.

"Hey Kurt, I didn't expect you today." Elliott smiled before hugging his guest and letting him in. He smiled worriedly and looked at Kurt before motioning to the couch. More often than not Elliott was wondering if what he said about Kurt and Blaine after meeting the latter was really still true. Yes, they seemed to be perfect if you met them for the evening, wanted to hang out for a few hours or went with them to lunch. But when Elliott started paying attention to changes in Kurt it didn't seem like such a good relationship anymore, not really. Kurt was changing, after making sure he had enough spotlight and being a fearless band leader now he was paying less and less attention to his own place in a group. Luckily, with only Dani and himself in the band Elliott didn't have to try really hard to make sure Kurt's role in the band was secure. Dani and Elliott both understood who was supposed to lead them and they had no plans to take it away from Kurt so it just happened naturally. Still, the lack of Kurt's enthusiasm was disheartening.

And when Elliott thought about it, everything was like that with Kurt now. Things that used to be exciting for him didn't seem to cause any emotional reaction and he was always tired and having less and less time for everyone. He said it was because they try to spend as much time together with Blaine as possible but wasn't it, again, forgetting their boundaries? Then what was the point of Blaine moving out anyway?

Elliott sighed as he stood up and went to the kitchen to put some water in a kettle and started making tea.

"So... What's up? You seem a little upset?" Elliott asked with a careful smile and Kurt sat on a couch, sinking in a pillows.

"It's no big deal. I had fought with Blaine a little and I had to take some time away from him. You said once I'm always welcome here so I thought..." Kurt frowned and sat up, his eyes wide. "Unless you're busy and I didn't even ask. I'm so stupid. I don't have to bother you, I can go for a walk or something if you have things to do or somewhere to be?" he said quickly and reached behind him.

Elliott rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Sit back down. I'm not busy. I'm just wondering why you came here upset and so late in the evening. Usually it's your date night so I was worried. But if you need a shelter..." he gestured around. "This is all for you. I'll even give you my bed, willingly, unlike with Rachel."

"No, it's... I think I'll head home in some time. It's just... Really difficult to spend time with Blaine lately..." Kurt bit his lip and looked up at Elliott.

"He seems like a difficult guy to stay around" Elliott smiled reassuringly at Kurt.

"No, it's not that. It's more... Private, you know? Like... Personal?" Kurt blushed and looked down at his lap.

"Is this a secret?" Elliott asked carefully, putting cookies on a place after opening the whole pack of them. "Like... No one will get killed if you tell me, will they?" he joked and put the plate on a coffee table.

Kurt chuckled and shook his head.

"No, I mean... It's a bedroom problem..." he admitted quietly and blushed.

"Aren't you two too young to have bedroom problems?" Elliott raised his eyebrows and leant on a counter separating the living room and the kitchen.

"It's not the first time" Kurt sat more comfortably after slipping off his shoes. He put his legs up on a couch, sitting on his heels. "You know, when Blaine is angry or, let's say, there's anything happening in his life he he usually isn’t in the mood” he made a quotation mark in the air. "And that's fine. When I'm not in the mood I don't really feel like being intimate, too. We're not the types to have any kind of hate or angry sex, thank God."

Elliott made a noise and raised his eyebrows.

"Come on, angry sex is amazing. But continue..."

"So we weren't intimate for a week before I found out about him watching porn because he was insecure. It... Made me feel a little self-conscious I mean... He watched porn. While refusing to touch me. Once he explained though it was okay, I was still... not satisfied but I understood. And tried to deal other ways. So it was like another week and I mean, come on, two weeks, we're too young for this so I was already going crazy. Don't judge me." Kurt looked at Elliott with a warning as the man raised his hands in surrender. "And this was actually my fault because when we got tested, you know, boys night starting with helping friend out, I tested positive for chlamydia. That was two weeks ago. I wasn't allowed to have sex for a week, that's what I told Blaine and we waited. Only now when I try to initiate something..." Kurt sighed and rolled his eyes. "He said he's not really... Attracted to me like this... He doesn't want to sleep with me and I know I fucked up but that... Hurts, Elliott." he frowned and leant on the couch, closing his eyes.

"Did you tell him that? Did you tell him what he said hurt you?" Elliott asked as he poured water to the mugs and put one in front of Kurt.

"Yeah but it's only fair that I give him space after I lied to him about my relationship with Adam. It just... Sucks to hear he's not attracted to me." Kurt sighed and took the mug in his both hands.

Elliott nodded and sat on Kurt's side, holding his own cup.

"You know, you should talk to him. Tell him it makes you unhappy and that you don't feel okay with behaviour like this. I know it may not change anything but you don't deserve to be treated as if you did something wrong when you didn't..."

"I lied to him, actually. I told him there was nothing between me and Adam and that's no true. That's as far from the truth as you can imagine..."

"Okay, that wasn't cool then. I still don't think he's punishing you for not telling. He's punishing you for actually sleeping with Adam, not for not admitting it. At least that's what I think and I don't really think it's fair, you know?"

"Maybe you're right. I don't think he's doing it to hurt me though. He's just that kind of person, who believes in things and who wants to be my only one lover and I ruined it by sleeping with Adam so now he needs to reconsider everything and just... I have to give him time, I owe him this for lying so I'm not gonna make big deal out of it. I can go home soon if you're busy and you want to get rid of me?" Kurt smiled at Elliott as he sat more comfortably.

"I don't want you to go." Elliott rolled his eyes playfully. "I just don't want you to be unhappy in any way."

"I'm not unhappy." Kurt said surely and leant on Elliott's side. "I'm happy. I have great friends and an amazing fiancé and our band is doing well and I'm doing well-ish in school, it's all good. I'm happy." Kurt hummed as he closed his eyes.

Elliott chuckled as he turned on TV and played with Kurt's hair despite his friend's weak protest. It turned out that Kurt was more tired than he let on (as always) because soon he drifted off, his body becoming a little more heavy on Elliott's side. He sighed and took the mug away from Kurt's hands before slowly standing up and putting Kurt on the pillows.

Waking Kurt up was out of the question. Elliott saw how exhausted his friend looked all the time ever since the accident and he wasn't going to be the one to interrupt his rest when he managed to get it. He went to the bathroom and grabbed a clean towel and a spare toothbrush before putting them on the coffee table in front of Kurt and covering him with a blanket.

~*~

"Yeah, I'll tell him when he wakes up, sure. Yeah, bye Blaine."

Kurt slowly woke up and squinted his eyes at the light that attacked them suddenly. And it was definitely not the loft light which was not so irritating in the morning. He groaned and stretched his limbs before sitting up.

"Elliott?" he raised his eyebrows at the sight of his friend's apartment and Elliott himself working around the kitchen.

"Hello there, sleeping beauty. I got you some towels and a toothbrush if you want to take a shower and brush your teeth before breakfast..."

"Breakfast?" Kurt repeated, confused and looked around. "It's the morning? Did I sleep here? In my clothes?" he wrinkled his nose which made Elliott chuckle.

"Figured you were tired so I called Rachel to tell her not to worry and let you sleep. Seems like you needed it. And she dropped some clothes by for you on her way to the rehearsal earlier so you can put them on after the shower."

"You thought of everything." Kurt smiled and shook his head. "And I just slept through it. Sorry I wasn't a good company last night. I barged in and then just fell asleep after the short conversation..."

"It's okay. We'll have time to talk more after the rehearsal. Now go get in the shower before I finish breakfast. Oh, and Blaine called. He was worried so I told him you crashed on a couch in my place. I hope that's okay?"

Kurt nodded and grabbed the towel.

"It's fine. He'd probably want to come over if he thought I was in the loft and I'm so not ready to face him in this state."  Kurt winked and disappeared into the shower.

Elliott looked after him confused. Kurt and Blaine were living together for a few months and Kurt didn't feel like meeting his fiancé after waking up with a bed head was a good idea?Shouldn't it be how they saw each other every morning? He shook his head and got busy with making food. It was none of his business and Kurt did say he was happy. No reason to not believe him.

~*~

They were finally alone after the whole day spent with friends still celebrating Rachel's success. Funny Girl opening night was amazing and all the reviews reflected it so they really had a reason to celebrate.

Only Kurt felt like he was the only one not feeling so happy anymore. He did notice Blaine's behaviour after taking the DJ's number from Tina and going with it to the bathroom alone. Of course it most likely didn't mean anything but Kurt was irritated and now by evening he was alone with Blaine – he also felt cranky from the headache that started few hours ago. So of course he could have started this conversation in a calmer way but he just didn't. So it was easy to blame himself for what happened during it.

"Hey, Blaine..." Kurt looked at his boyfriend as he took off the blazer he wore for almost 24 hours straight. "What did you need that guy's number for?" he asked and turned around to look at his fiancé. Apparently, a really pissed fiancé. "What...?"

"What did I need this guy's number for? Funny because that would be my last concern if I was in your place right now, you know?" Blaine hissed as he threw his untangled bowtie on the bed.

"What are you talking about?" Kurt frowned and put his hands on his hips, looking at Blaine unsurely.

"I mean you grinding on the guys in a club. You lying there on everyone's lap. You touching that guy's dick! That's what I'm talking about, Kurt!"

"Okay, you need to calm down because none of that happened the way you see it. We were _dancing_ all of us were dancing everywhere and I didn't care about anyone around me. What I did was have fun and not thinking about other people? I'm not responsible for them, I'm responsible for me. But you on the other hand just took that guy's number and went to the bathroom with it for ten minutes, then pretended nothing was wrong and that's fine?!"

"So now you doing this all, whatever you did is fine but me going to the bathroom is not? You're ridiculous, Kurt!"

"I just had fun last night!"

"You grinded on these guys like it was the last thing you were going to do! You enjoyed them touching you and that's fucked up! Because we're engaged and you seem to forget about whenever it feels convenient!"

"Oh, like you don’t forget how we’re engaged and just keep pushing me away because you’re jealous of a guy from the past that I was with once. You think you own me and that you can tell me what I was supposed to not do with Adam, but you weren't here then! You have no right because I was by myself, here, because you cheated on me!"

Blaine took a step closer, looking Kurt in the eyes.

"So now, that I'm not going to fuck you every day like you'd want you're just going to go out and touch the first guy you met on the street?!"

"No, god, you're just..." Kurt was stopped mid sentence as he felt the sharp pain in his cheek. It took him a second to connect it with the sound of hitting and to realise that Blaine had slapped him as he felt his head snap back and he had to take a step back to prevent himself from falling. He looked at Blaine with wide eyes, slowly lifting his hand to his cheek.

"Kurt, I..." Blaine whispered.

"Don't..." Kurt whispered as he pressed his hand against his stinging cheek and grabbed a bag with workout clothes he always had ready in the corner of the room before he left the loft.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's taking a lot of time to publish chapters but I've been incredibly busy with real life. So from now on chapters are going to be less regular than before because life caught up on me, I'm sorry!

Kurt spun in the air and landed surely on his feet. He was exhausted but really needed a distraction and NYADA dance studio provided plenty of them.

Turning his back to the mirror he started the music and went through the whole routine from the last class he attended. The week of his suspension was almost over and he had to be prepared to face Cassy July again. Kurt sighed as he bent over and touched his toes without any trouble, except for the pain in his cheek. He cringed and touched it while straightening his back. Looking at the mirror only made him more upset. The bright pink mark reminding him of the incident with Blaine.

Kurt sighed and started turning to start the next routine when someone entered the studio.

"Well, isn't it my favourite anorexic twink?" Cassie asked from the door where she was leaning on a doorframe. "I thought you were suspended for a week?"

"I'm allowed to be on campus, I'm just banned from classes." Kurt answered quietly before spinning around and leaning on a bar.

The teacher raised her eyebrows as she came closer to him.

"Where did you hurt yourself, Hummel?" she reached to touch his face with a serious expression. Kurt took the step back and shrugged.

"It's nothing, I just hit it on the barre the first time I went through the routine." he answered surely and tried to start the routine again.

"You know, Hummel. Maybe I misjudged your fiancé. I mean you don't have to tell me anything but I know you better than this. And I know you're not a lousy dancer who'd hit their face like a flop falling against the bar." she said matter-off-factly as she took a step back. "And I'm pretty sure you could prove it right now. Go on..." Cassie smirked as Kurt thrown her a glance and started going through different figures, struggling a little at the very end but managing to land swiftly without any misstep after a final pirouette.

"See, Hummel, this is what I mean. You're much better than this. You're much better now than you were before the accident. Come on, take a break." she offered him a bottle of water from the table. Kurt took it hesitantly as he sat on the bench by the window.

"You don't like me..." he murmured and put the bottle to his cheek as it was still cold relieve some pain.

"I don't dislike you. I just pick on you because I do it for my every student. Because you can be better and you should be better. But I'm not going to pick on you when you're already beaten up." Cassandra motioned on his cheek which made Kurt roll his eyes.

"I'm not beaten up. I'm not... Abused. I don't know what you think but Blaine isn't like that, it was just..."

"Wait a minute, Blaine? Not sunshine and puppies English blondie?" she raised her eyebrows and cringed. "The freshman? Looking like cave troll? With too much hair gel? I thought your fiance hit you not that you got into a fight with children, Hummel. That is still pathetic after all..."  Cassandra rolled her eyes and stood up.

"Blaine is my fiancé." Kurt frowned at the teacher's words.

"Oh..." Cassandra stopped on her way to the door. "What happened to Crawford?"

"We went separate ways after I got engaged to Blaine. I haven't talked to him in almost a year. I thought everyone knew..."

"I don't listen to rumours. And I thought you were smarter than this, Twinkie. Why would you get engaged to someone who looks like a cave troll though? You're better than this." Cassie turned to face Kurt again.

"The problem is that I'm not better than him. I don't deserve better," he made a quotation mark in the air. "because he's amazing and just..." Kurt shrugged and sighed, slumping against the window.

"He hit you, Hummel." the teacher looked at him seriously. "And I know I make fun of everyone and I don't ever say this but you're better than this. Everyone is better than this, no one deserves to be treated like that, but you, you're something special and this guy is killing it in you. And I know you can do so much better. You did, with British blondie."

"It was just an accident. And I know everyone says it but he was just pissed and it never, ever happened before. And it won't happen again." Kurt said surely.

Cassandra looked at him for a few seconds. She never showed it but she cared about her students. At least the ones who actually seemed to be people and not robots created to succeed, intent on trying to kill everyone in their way while they’re not as good themselves. She cared about students who were more human and Kurt was definitely one of them. He came to a school lost but he found his place and seemed to grown through his first few months until the engagement seemed to take its toll on him in September.

"See, Hummel. The problem with you is that you trust people so much. It was good when you trusted Crawford, but this guy... I mean, he hurt you. And I know you think he won't do it again. But I don't trust people as easily as you do. And I see how this engagement changed you. My advice would be: think about your future. Think if you want to live like this for years because the further you go the harder it'll be to get away from him."

"You really think Blaine is not going to let me go if I ever want to? I mean what can he do?" Kurt frowned and shook his head. "I'll be fine, Ms. July. I love him and he loves me. I'm happy and we have our disagreements but he doesn't hurt me."

"Okay. But if you ever feel like talking to someone who's more mature and who can actually offer an advice you know where my office is." she said calmly before turning to the door and leaving.

Kurt frowned and rubbed his temples. What was that even? What was July's angle? He didn't get it.

~*~

The next day Blaine showed up, after getting permission from Kurt, at their door with a box of cupcakes and a bouquet of white roses.

"I can't possibly explain how sorry I am." he said quietly as they waited for Santana and Rachel to leave.

Kurt nodded and smiled sadly only looking at Blaine when the girls were gone. He took the flowers and put them in water.

"I know you are. And I know you didn't mean it. I just need to know it won't happen again." Kurt said quietly and looked at Blaine. "I'm not trying to suggest anything or attack you I just... I want to make sure it was just an accident..."

"Kurt, I was tired and I went much too far with it. I had no right to yell at you and hitting you was absolutely terrible and I regretted it the very same second. It won't happen ever again, I swear. I'm so sorry." Blaine offered Kurt his hand, not forcing him to do anything. Kurt took the offered hand and stepped closer to Blaine.

"I didn't want to be inappropriate and I'm sorry." he whispered while wrapping his arms about Blaine and hiding his face in his fiancé’s neck. "I missed you but I didn't try to make you jealous. I just didn't think."

"Don't apologise. I want you to have fun. You deserve it. I don't know what got into me." Blaine rubbed Kurt's back and kissed his sweetly.

"I love you, Blaine. No one else." Kurt whispered with tears in his eyes.

"I love you, too."

~*~

"What's up with your face, Kurt?" Elliott raised his eyebrows as Kurt entered the guitar shop. They were supposed to choose new mic for the band since one of the old ones stopped working. Kurt shrugged.

"Hit myself on a bar during rehearsal. Never saw July laugh so hard at anyone." he answered smoothly.

Elliott nodded and motioned at the mic stands.

"Do we need the whole set or just a mic? I don't know what you ever did with it. How do you break a mic, Hummel?" he teased Kurt who blushed.

"It just... Fell off the desk, okay? It was old anyway so I'm not even surprised." he murmured and got busy with looking at the available choices as Elliott chuckled.

"Sure thing."

Kurt kicked him in the shin and took one of the mics in his hand as Elliott swore under his breath.

"Didn't know you actually had it in you, Kurt." he murmured and glared at a snickering girl who was looking at guitars not far from them.

"Of course I have it in me. Just try to tease me more." Kurt hummed happily as he examined the chosen mic. "I like this one."

"Maybe I'll pass then." Elliott chuckled and looked at the mic. "Just black? I'm disappointed, Kurt."

"The black one broke." Kurt rolled his eyes as he reached for his wallet. "Besides, they look great with other colour too, so it's not a problem to mix it with the red ones."

"Or the gold ones. Or the blue ones." Elliott grinned as Kurt slapped his shoulder playfully.

"Yeah as if you don't enjoy using them as much as I do." Kurt hummed as he paid for the microphone and they left the store.

~*~

The idea of performing with Blaine for June Dolloway came from Kurt, and his teachers weren't really happy about it. Everyone preferred solo performances and Kurt understood that but the need to share with Blaine was bigger than this. They were together and they were sharing good experiences so Kurt wanted to share that, too.

Every rehearsal only made it clearer for Kurt that he had made the right decision. They had to change Kurt's idea to fit Blaine's voice as well but the final effect was really satisfying for them both and they couldn't be happier to perform together.

The moment the performance started Kurt let the stress get better of himself and for a few seconds he didn't followed the rehearsed idea for the performance. The minute he was back on track Blaine started his part and he definitely didn't follow the rehearsed plan. Kurt looked at him as they joined for a chorus and he knew, he just knew. Since he screwed up the first few seconds Blaine looked better. Changing everything meant Blaine put all of his dramatic side into a performance and Kurt had to do something. He had to change something, too to get attention. Blaine was better in dramatic acting so he had to try hard. He looked as they started the chorus and tried. He tried to make up for his slip and tried to get on Blaine's level and he felt like maybe, just maybe, he succeeded when June chose Blaine. Kurt looked at both of them shocked and then stepped out of the room with everyone at the not really discreet suggestion from June. He leaned against the wall in a hallway and took a deep breath. It was going to be okay, Blaine was going to start working with June and they'd both benefit from it.

"Hummel, what happened in there?" Kurt groaned as Cassandra approached him. "You looked like a clown, it was sad to look at you."

"Isn't it always." he pushed himself off the wall and started to walk towards the empty classroom.

"No, that's the problem. You're a great actor and you showed that to absolutely no one today. I mean, if that guy looked better than you that really says something..."

"That guy is my fiancé. And we had a plan but it didn't work out. Sometimes that happens. He's better at dealing with surprises, I freaked out and tried to get to his level of acting but I'm just not as skilled as he is."

Cassandra rolled her eyes.

"He's not even good, Hummel. You just overdid it. Not that I believe Dolloway has any taste anyway. But that could have been yours easily, you just screwed it up."

Kurt sighed and shrugged. He was going to benefit from it anyway, he couldn't imagine Blaine not doing that for him. If not for Kurt Blaine wouldn't even be there.

"I know I did. But I'll be fine, I'll try impress her in a future. It's not all lost..."

"Sometimes, Hummel, you have only one chance. I'd know that. But even if she won't change her mind, she's not the only person here you'll meet that can get you far. You just have to use your next chance."

"I'm going to try." Kurt whispered and closed his eyes.

"You know, you have it in you. But maybe sometimes you should considering being a little bit more selfish."

"What does being selfish have anything to do with that?" Kurt frowned.

"You need to be brave enough to take things you want and keep them for yourself. Sharing is a great gesture but sometimes people you'll want to get involved in your projects don't deserve it. Sometimes it'll work better for you to do something alone other than share it - and maybe because of that lose it. People are cruel and not as considerate as you are, Hummel. They'll fight for their dreams and they'll do it in dirtiest ways you can imagine. And you have to find out how to protect yourself from them. Even if you love them and you care, you have to learn to be selfish."

Kurt sighed and nodded slowly before he opened his eyes and looked at Cassie.

"You know, for the first time in weeks I feel like maybe you're right. No offense but usually it feels like you're just trying to screw with us all. But right now I'm not sure. Sometimes I think about it and I realise my friends probably wouldn't be as eager to share as I am."

"You're starting to think. That's good. Just focus on yourself, Hummel. It's not a bad thing to do, believe me."

Kurt nodded and smiled sadly. Maybe she really didn't want to harm him and she was right. He wasn't a selfish person, often he had to pay for it and sometimes he regretted his decisions even if he didn't suffer. Because not achieving something he dreamt of felt like a punishment, too. Kurt sighed and pushed himself off the wall.

"I'll never understand how you manage to give great advice to people you hate." he said to Cassie before he thanked and went to the exit to wait for Blaine outside.

Cassandra rolled her eyes as he disappeared behind the door.

"I don't hate you, Hummel." she murmured to herself and went to her office to finish some paperwork.


	7. Chapter 7

Kurt's smile faltered as Blaine left the loft. Yes, of course Kurt was happy for his fiancé but he really didn't think Blaine's meeting with June was going to bring any good for him. June didn't like him and there were slim chances she was going to change her mind just because Blaine was charming. 

Kurt sighed and went to the kitchen. He started making dinner without much enthusiasm. Preparing food for one person still felt strange. Usually he at least had Rachel who needed help with being fed, not mentioning Blaine who spent two nights weekly in the loft and Monday evenings when Kurt cooked for all their friends (unless he refused and they split). But now Rachel was at the rehearsal and she had told them not to wait and Blaine had left for the meeting with June. It felt lonely. Kurt sighed again as he reached to the fridge. He planned making himself spaghetti but maybe a salad was enough? He was always careful to eat healthily around Blaine but sometimes let himself take a break, because dieting was never what he wanted. Respecting that Blaine needed it for his own self-esteem wasn't a big deal, not eating out together to help and support wasn't a big deal. But when Blaine apparently expected Kurt to diet as well he was a little shocked. It wasn't far from Kurt's usual eating habits but it was a little too much compared to what he needed daily because of his intensively physical classes. So Kurt wasn't completely honest with Blaine when it came to their "dieting" but he tried to support Blaine when they ate together. It didn't feel exactly right, he'd prefer to be completely honest but he was scared of making Blaine insecure, too. Kurt bit his lip and reached for ingredients when his phone rang. Seeing Dani's name on screen made him smile. 

"Hello there." he said happily as closed the fridge with his hip and he tried to balance the tray with everything he needed. 

"Hey, Kurt. We were wondering if you wanted to come over?" she giggled and Kurt could hear clearly Elliott's booming voice in the background as he made some joke. He smiled wider.

"I could come over or you could come here? I'm alone for the night and I just started making dinner. Up to you?"

Dani murmured something on the other line and then giggled again.

"Okay, we'll be there in half an hour? We'll bring some food, don't bother with making too much." 

"I'll see you." Kurt hummed and hung up, planning to make his dinner anyway. By the time Elliott and Dani got in (none of his friends bothered to knock anymore) he'd prepared his spaghetti and another bowl of a veggie version for them, chicken salad and one with feta cheese as he already knew they weren't vegan. When it added to food brought by Dani and Elliott by the end of the evening he was just lying on the couch, feeling like he was never going to eat again. 

~*~

Kurt smiled happily to himself when Blaine went to refill their popcorn bowl. June didn't hate him that much after all. If felt great to feel that maybe he didn't screw up so badly.  Kurt chuckled when Blaine came back and kissed him on the cheek.

"So how is NYADA? I mean, you do manage to attend all the classes, right? She can't keep you away from school." Kurt reached for Blaine hand.

"Yeah, yeah, it's good. We hang out but she knows I need to keep up with my studies and we just plan it all around my classes. She actually thinks it's good I put so much effort into it. You know, NYADA is an amazing school and everyone thinks it's great achievement for someone my age to be there. You know some people try for more times..." Blaine bit his lip and winced. "I mean more times than two. I heard about some who try five or six times, that being of course before Carmen."

"I heard. It's like everyone in this school knows everything" Kurt chuckled, not bothered by Blaine's slip up.  He took off his boots and put his feet on Blaine's lap. 

"It's easy to interrogate your classmates, that's a plus. But then I'm not sure I want to know what they say about me..." Blaine rolled his eyes and rubbed Kurt's feet, making him moan happily.

“You are in so much pain?” Blaine frowned. 

"It's not that bad but I've been on my feet a lot lately. You know, diner, trying to make up for classes plus keeping up with assignments, Vogue, One Three Hill..." Kurt hummed. Sometimes saying aloud everything made him realise how much it was.

"You're a busy bee." Blaine smiled at him and rubbed Kurt's knee. "But you're amazing in everything you do. It's amazing. You know that people in school talk about you? A lot. Only good things" he said quickly. 

Kurt bit his lip. 

"I don't want to know to be honest. I'm happy with what I know and with you all appreciating me. That's enough. You know, people in NYADA can be vicious." 

"I know. But they love you. They think you're hot..." Blaine hummed. Sometimes it still felt like Kurt was showing off so he wasn't really surprised. Maybe it was still a little annoying that Kurt was trying to get everyone's attention but Blaine wasn't really jealous anymore. Especially since he got in touch with June and found his own group of admirers.

Kurt closed his eyes and leaned on the back of the couch. 

"Doesn't matter. I want you to find me hot, not them." he whispered sleepily. 

"I know. I'm glad." Blaine smiled and continued to rub Kurt's feet until his fiancé was asleep. Only then he let his facade fall and start worrying about the lie. Kurt was going to find out. And he was going to be mad, again. He sighed and rolled his eyes. 

~*~

Kurt rolled his eyes as he left Clara's office. One more thing went wrong. He ignored the receptionist's stare and left the building. He hoped to help Maggie but it didn't work out. 

Kurt got to the subway and decided that he couldn't avoid the loft anymore. It was his home as well and staying in Blaine's place was a temporary fix but even that got tiring when it was too much. After almost a week it felt like Blaine was either absent or needed Kurt's attention. Kurt said no to late night sex after one unfortunate time that left him almost too sore to take part in dancing class but there was always something to do. And when he was busy so many extra activities got tiring. 

Kurt entered the loft and went to his bedroom, ignoring Rachel calling Santana. After hiding behind the privacy curtain he put his bag on the table by the window and crawled into the bed. It was still early, not even past noon and he felt tired. Performing in Lexington took all his remaining free time and between that and Blaine's clinginess it felt like he was forced to be alert non-stop. Getting back on Ambien was the only reason he was at least be able to sleep, even if it wasn't enough hours to rest properly, it was something. Kurt groaned when Santana entered the apartment and started talking to Rachel from the kitchen. He covered his head with a pillow and slowly drifted off. 

~*~

"You were amazing" Blaine smiled as he opened the bottle of champagne back in the apartment. The performance went flawlessly and Rachel's event was amazing, they managed to help so many dogs get adopted it felt like a victory for everyone. Kurt accepted a glass and smiled gratefully. 

"Thank you. I'm glad you could make it, I'm sorry you missed your dinner with June." Kurt whispered as he kissed Blaine's cheek and let himself be wrapped in his fiancé’s arms. 

"It's nothing, don't worry. I'll have time for dinners with her. There was only one opening night." Blaine answered and squeezed Kurt's hip as everyone got their drinks and started congratulating each other for everything. He chuckled and leaned into Blaine's touch.

"You know, sometimes I think you're all the weirdest group of people I'll ever meet." Kurt whispered to him with a smile. 

"Sometimes it's true." Blaine chuckled and kissed Kurt's shoulder before they let the others and their craziness separate them.

Kurt was already pretty desperate as they got to his room that evening, Blaine staying because they were a little too tipsy to get apart for the night and far far too gone for it. Kurt sighed softly as Blaine kissed his neck and pushed him on the bed. 

"You have everything?" Blaine asked quietly and Kurt nodded, and motioned in the pillows direction. He closed his eyes and Blaine started sucking on his pulse point as he reached for the supplies, making Kurt whimper and squirm underneath him. 

"We should... I mean girls are inside." Kurt protested weakly but stopped when Blaine sucked harder and rocked his hips. "Oh god, okay." he whimpered and opened his eyes. "But we have to be quiet?"

"Well, that's usually harder for you." Blaine teased happily.

~*~

Kurt stirred and groaned at the bitter taste in mouth and slowly rolled on his back, leaving the heat that was caused by sleeping cuddled to Blaine. 

"I'm dying." he groaned and rolled further, almost falling off the bed as a result. He touched his aching stomach and groaned at the dried come there. Right. Drunk sex, no clean up. Mistakes from the past. Kurt looked at the clock and almost whimpered aloud, which would probably wake up everyone. It was seven in the morning and he was awake. Just like that, the sun was too bright and everything hurt. Flying with a harness was amazing. Bruises on his thighs the day after? Not so much. 

Kurt picked up the boxers from the floor and put on a robe to cover himself and tied it up to make sure it didn't open on his way to the bathroom. He left after grabbing a towel and quickly, quietly sneaked to the bathroom. Semi-warm shower and coffee plus some Advil was what he needed.

~*~

Two tuna sandwiches and an avocado salad was what Kurt thought would be a perfect lunch for a short break he could take before he had to prepare for stage combat class. He heard Blaine singing already when he entered the wing that dance studio was placed in. The room was reserved for a few days for Blaine and June only. Kurt frowned when he entered the room and saw Blaine. The last time he saw him sad and singing it didn't really end well for their relationship. Kurt smiled again. It couldn't be anything bad. They were happy together and there was no reason to expect any troubles. The showcase was coming, they were both doing amazing in school and their relationship felt like it couldn't be better. Kurt put the lunch bag on a piano and looked at Blaine. 

"I brought you lunch but it looks like you already had desert." Kurt glanced at the table in the middle of the room. "That was nice. Are you going to put that in a showcase?"

"June doesn't want you in the showcase. And she never did." Blaine said quietly. Kurt looked at him and took a deep breath. He was right. Something was wrong. And it felt terrible. 

"So you've been lying to me this whole time?" he raised his eyebrows and glared at Blaine. 

Before he realised what he was doing his next response to Blaine's apology was sending the lunch bag flying across the room. And it actually scared Kurt. He was never a violent person and he didn't recognise himself in this. He left the room quickly after making sure Blaine knew he wasn't trusted anymore.

Kurt ran through the empty hallway and only stopped when he was in the auditorium. He looked around while trying to catch his breath. Kurt smiled sadly and sat on the edge of the stage. His best memories from first weeks in NYADA were connected to that place. Adam's Apples were slowly becoming his family before he screwed it up. And now it just felt sad. He missed them. In the business of an everyday life it wasn't as obvious but Kurt realised, he missed his friends that weren't a crazy group of high school classmates he spent most of his time with. 

Kurt got startled when he heard the door opening. He looked in that direction and swallowed heavily. Adam entered the room with a few club members. Kurt bit his lip, waiting for them to notice him. He should have thought better. Adam still kept coming to school to help with running Adam's Apples and work with teachers on his auditions and Kurt shouldn't just sit in the auditorium. Adam asked him to leave the group and he had every right to. So why did Kurt act thoughtlessly and go somewhere he wasn't welcomes?

Adam froze as he was Kurt and so did Nia, making the rest of the group almost bump at them. 

"What are you doing here?!" Mike asked sharply after noticing him.

Kurt bit his lip and stood up. 

"I'm... Sorry, I didn't know you'd be here today." he murmured and picked up his bag from the stage. 

"We're here every day.” Mike rolled his eyes and pointed at the exit. 

Kurt nodded and climbed up the stairs, trying to avoid any touch with Adam. 

"I'm sorry." he whispered to him and left the auditorium. He was almost out of the school by the time Nia caught up with him and grabbed his shoulder. 

"Hey, Kurt!"

"Nia, I know I screwed up and I know you don't want me there, I'm sorry." Kurt said sharply. He didn't turn around to look at her because he knew she could see tears in his eyes. Everything was going just terribly and he was ready for the day to be over. Just one more person to lose and he could go to the flat and straight to bed.

"I'm not mad at you." Nia said quietly. Kurt made a noise that was supposed to be a laugh but resembled a sad groan more. "I noticed you're not looking happy. And I don't want you to feel like you can't come to us with it..."

"Yeah. But I can't. Half of you are really irritated with me and the rest just hate me. And you have the right to. I understand this. I did wrong and you have to protect your friend. There are no hard feelings on my side but you just don't have to pretend." Kurt said quietly, his voice shaking. 

"It's not... That. Well, it is that." Nia said quickly and Kurt finally turned around and stared at her. "But I care about you. And I'm not the only one. Adam is a big boy, he can live with having a few people not taking sides extremely." 

"Nia, I..." Kurt smiled sadly. "I appreciate this, I do. But this has been Adam's world long before I came into the picture and I don't want to... I don't want to be a burden in it. I was enough of it already with what I did."

Nia nodded slowly and sighed. 

"You're never going to be a burden. You still have my number, right? Call me if you need anything." she hugged Kurt and went back to the auditorium. 


	8. Chapter 8

"Kurt, I..." Blaine sat by his side as they waited for Rachel to bring the scripts to them. Kurt groaned and shook his head. "I don't want to talk" he said firmly and pointed at the chair. He really wasn't ready to talk about it yet but it felt like Blaine didn't exactly care because on every occasion he bothered Kurt  with apologising. And what Kurt wanted was time and distance.

It seemed like Blaine didn't understand it so Kurt had to deal with him being everywhere and it was getting on his nerves.

~*~

Kurt couldn't fall asleep. After they were done Blaine just cuddled him close and whispered sweet nothings until he fell asleep and Kurt tried to follow, he did, but it felt impossible. He realised that maybe trust wasn't a choice. Because he decided to trust Blaine but it didn't feel any better than few hours earlier. Kurt still felt betrayed and didn't know how to get over the fact that it was so easy for Blaine to lie. It wasn't like he had to. Kurt never expected to be in actual showcase. He hoped if it was the beginning of Blaine career he'd get some help from his fiancé. It was show business after all, starting with no connections was almost impossible, but it was supposed to be in years.

Kurt sat slowly, careful not to wake Blaine up and sighed, looking at him. They loved each other but sometimes it just felt like it wasn't enough. Because people in relationship hurt each other always but it was so much hurt it felt unhealthy sometimes.

Kurt got up and took his pants from the floor on the way to the bathroom. He was not going to fall asleep anytime soon and with Blaine napping he could use that time to clean up and make dinner and think more. Because he wanted to marry Blaine one day so he needed to figure out how to make them work again, the way they did at the beginning.

~*~

Kurt rolled his eyes when June wasn't looking. Her comments insisting he was "a friend" were a little irritating and made him wonder if there was something else behind Blaine's lie about the showcase.

But then their performance was just amazing and she was done with calling them friends. The party was amazing, it felt like everyone wanted to talk to them and Kurt tried not to take away Blaine's spotlight but some of the guest wanted to talk to him, specifically and that was flattering.

Only then Kurt noticed someone he actually knew who wasn’t from the media. He frowned and excused himself, leaving Blaine to chat to the guests and went to the corner of the dance studio.

"Adam?" he asked quietly and frowned. How was that even possible?

"Kurt..." Adam turned around to face him and sighed. "I hoped you'd not notice..."

"I wouldn't notice you?" Kurt chuckled but it was rather sad. They both were tense, trying not to stand too close and pretending to smile but it was more painful than pleasurable.

"Well, that's what I hoped for. I'm not even sure why I'm still here, I should go" Adam replied, suddenly his voice had the, sadly, familiar cold tone.

Kurt nodded and bit his lip. One more, painful, reminder that their friendship was ruined. But then for a second he thought that maybe it was at least worth trying. It's not like they could cause a scene in public but he could just /try/ to talk to his ex-boyfriend.

"Adam, wait" he grabbed man's arm gently. "Can we talk? Just for a few minutes. You're here already..." Kurt asked unsurely and looked up with hope.

"I'm here because of a mistake, Kurt. I'm definitely not here to watch your boyfriend in a spotlight" Adam said bitterly but sighed and turned back to Kurt.

"Then why... What are you doing here in the first place? I mean, you had to get an invitation somehow?" Kurt assumed.

"Look, it's... It's complicated and it's one of the things I was going to tell you but never got a chance." Adam said coolly. Kurt didn't even blink even though it hurt. He did deserve it after all. "I'm not a struggling student, which you probably knew, but it's a little bigger than this. My parents are, well, wealthy. Some of it they earned, some of it inherited. The point is, I was here to see you perform. Well, I was wrong, apparently."

Kurt swallowed heavily and looked down at his feet. Well, students in NYADA did think Kurt was the one who June was promoting. Because he was supposed to be the one performing for her and not Blaine when she first came.

"Yeah, that, well it didn't work out the way I hoped but you know, Blaine is great, too."

"He's not bad" Adam admitted and sighed. "Kurt, I just came here because I thought I'd support you in this. Financially. June is looking for funds for her favourite and I thought I'd help..."

"You can still help Blaine" Kurt said quickly which made Adam laugh.

"I don't want to have anything to do with Blaine. Technically I didn't want to have anything to do with you after what you did but this... I mean, it's June Dolloway and if she supports someone it means they're going to get far. And I wanted this for you so I wanted to see."

"I don't want you to hate me." Kurt whispered and bit his lip. There, it was what he was feared. Adam hating him forever.

"I don't hate you, Kurt. I'm hurting but I'd never hate you. It would be much easier to hate, you know? But I can't hate you." Kurt nodded slowly at Adam's words and smiled sadly. "But I hate that song. What was that, even?"

"Blaine chose it. I was never supposed to sing here tonight. It could have been worse though, I think I pulled it off."

"Well, you did, doesn't change the fact it was a weird choice for this crowd and the type of artists you two are."

"Oh, Adam graduated from NYADA so he /knows/." Kurt teased and they both chuckled. It was awkward and it felt awkward but they were still them. Two people who barely showed negative emotions and talked about them ever more rarely.

"You were amazing there. I want to see you in class again, though."

"Maybe soon? You still hang around in NYADA, right?"

"Of course. You know that. This school is hard to leave it forever. Just a warning." Adam chuckled and looked behind Kurt's back. "This is not going to end well, Kurt." he murmured just before Kurt felt an arm slipping around his waist.

"Who is your friend, Kurt?" Blaine asked cheerfully. Kurt tensed and forced a polite smile if a little apologetic when he glanced at his ex-boyfriend.

"This is Adam. Adam, this is Blaine." he pointed at his fiancé, suddenly painfully aware of the ring on his finger.

"Adam?" Blaine raised his eyebrows and tightened a grip around Kurt's waist possessively.

"I was just leaving." Adam said quickly. "It was nice meeting you" he smiled politely at Blaine and left the room quickly. It made Kurt sad but couldn't blame him for leaving so suddenly.

Blaine frowned at Kurt. 

"So that was Adam?" Blaine asked coldly.

"Yeah. He's one of the guests invited." Kurt hummed and wrapped an arm around Blaine. "Are you having a good time? It's a party for you."

"I'm fine. I didn't know he'd be here. What were you talking about?" Blaine asked.

"Nothing special. NYADA, the showcase, he liked it by the way. You know, awkward talk with you ex." Kurt answered with a smile. It was truth, after all.

"I don't like him." Blaine murmured pettily and Kurt nodded. "I know. I don't expect him to. He's an old friend, though. He may be a little more in my life."

"Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"You don't." Kurt nodded and sighed as they moved to entertain some guests.

~*~

"Kurt?"

"Hmmmm?"

"Are you listening?" Rachel pouted and poked him with a chopstick.

"Ewww, Rachel, that's dirty. Sorry, I blacked out a little. What's up?"

"I was asking if you two already set a date. Since he's moving in now" Rachel winked at Kurt and got back to eating. Kurt frowned and then it downed on him. She was talking about the wedding.

"Rachel, we're not... Going to get married anytime soon." he frowned.

"Blaine hasn't shut up about it for days though" Rachel rolled her eyes and jabbed on his food.  "You know, you're old enough already" she smiled and moved closer to him.

"Yeah but I don't want to, Rachel. And Blaine knows it. I'm not joking when I say I'm looking into long engagement. He knew from the beginning." Kurt shrugged.

"I know, I just thought you might have changed your mind. Blaine is amazing and you two are great together."

"Not yet, Rach. Don't push."

~*~

Blaine's move happens on a weekend and Rachel and Kurt have enough time to plan the office space that once was supposed to be there.

Kurt turned around and smiled widely, going for a hug immediately.

"Welcome home." he whispered to Blaine and hummed when he was kissed right there, in front of Rachel.

"Kurt, you didn't have to..."

"I wanted to. It's your home, too. And I know we could study in our bed or by the table like it always used to be, especially since Santana decided that she had enough of sleeping on the couch and spent most of the time with Dani in her apartment.

 "I'm glad to be back" Blaine smiled and kissed Kurt again, causing Rachel to make a disgusted sound and throw a pillow at them.

~*~

"I'm glad you two are back" Kurt smiled at Dani and Elliott as they took a break between songs and sipped their tea. Rehearsing in the loft was a nice change after cramping in Dani's apartment for the past two meeting just to avoid upsetting Rachel. She still wanted to come back even though Kurt was pretty sure she was about to leave them all for LA.

"Sure, man. I mean you knew we'd be back, right? It was just a hiatus not the end" Elliott reached to the plate for a biscuit.

"Well, you said you would be" Kurt admitted and sighed. "But you know, sometimes it just feels like no one stays in my life" he chuckled when he saw Elliott rolling his eyes.

"Pretty dramatic, huh? Why is that?"

"You know, half of my family is actually gone." Kurt murmured and his face fell at the thought. "Then people I know, they always just disappear sooner or later. I used to be besties with Mercedes but she's on tour and we actually talked like two times since high school graduation. Adam is gone. All my friends from Adam's Apples are as well." he bit his lip and sighed gratefully when Dani slowly reached out for his hand. He laid on the couch, his head on her lap and closed his eyes. "Feels lonely, sometimes."

"You're not alone, though. You have us and we're not going anywhere." Dani said quietly as she let Kurt's head rest on her lap. They weren't going to do much more singing that day but it was okay. Sometimes they needed each other when living in New York got rough and the rehearsals changed naturally into heart to hearts.

"I know." Kurt hummed happily and tried to get more comfortable on the couch.

Elliott touched Kurt's knee which made him giggle and protest because /oh my god that tickles/!

"Kurt, you need to learn how to trust people. And that's okay, we'll give you time. And everyone should. Because once you get hurt it's hard to heal. And even before that I can feel you weren't really quick to trust people." Elliott said surely and Kurt shook his head.

"I used to be naive. I had to learn that trusting is not something I should do like, ever. And now I'm learning to stay in the middle. It's still hard. Not trusting is easier." Kurt said quietly and opened his eyes.

"It is. But trusting is worth it. Because you're surrounded by people who love you and you deserve to be loved, pretty boy." Dani smiled down at him.

"I'm glad I have you two." Kurt murmured and wrapped an arm around Dani's waist and cuddled his face against her dress making Elliott whistle and Dani chuckle.

"It's okay, you're okay." she started stroking Kurt's hair.

"I'm not sure I am." Kurt murmured quietly so she couldn't hear it.

~*~

Kurt groaned as he was shook awake by Rachel. They were supposed to go shopping before she left for LA but he didn't know it meant waking up at 7 am after the long night shift. Blaine moved away after swatting Rachel's hand when she brushed his arm.

"Come on, Kurt. You promised." she whispered and shook Kurt again.

"It's 7 am. No stores are open at this hour and it's Saturday, come on." he murmured in response and covered his head with a pillow.

"Yeah but you need to use the bathroom before I do because we really won't have time later, come on."

Kurt rolled his eyes but got out of bed and went to the bathroom. Luckily, one cold shower later he felt much better. Once again he congratulate himself a decision to buy semi-quiet hair dryer that was much better than Rachel's and probably the only reason Blaine and Santana were still asleep as he emerged from the bathroom.

"What exactly do you need by the way, Rachel?" Kurt asked his roommate as he prepared some tea and she was showering, unlike him, with bathroom door wide open so they could talk.

"You know, usual stuff, some skirt maybe? I feel like I don't have any casual clothes appropriate for LA..." Rachel replied and then started water.

Kurt chuckled quietly and rolled his eyes as he broke the cookie in half and popped one of the pieces in his mouth.

"You have only skirts. You’ll be fine. Your clothes are fine, now. You don't have to improve but you could get a few more especially if we find good offers..."

"Hey, I thought I actually could get that dress we saw a few weeks ago? The blue one? I mean I know it was really expensive but I can afford it and it'd look great on set, you know? If any paparazzi show up it'd be great to have something looking that good."

"Rachel, you're aware that the only way paparazzi will get interested in you is if Sidney makes a big deal out of you dropping out of the show and I don't think you want that." Kurt chuckled but rolled his eyes as he knew she had no chance to see and get offended. He could hear something falling down the shelf into a bathtub and winced.

"Kurt, stop it! He won't do that, it's not going to help him..."

"It's not that it will help him. It's that he will have to close the show that was the biggest hit in this season. I'm sure he'll be mad and I wish you could avoid getting into troubles but you have to be prepared." Kurt said softly and looked at the bathroom door. Rachel was so sure that everything was going to be fine but he didn't share her enthusiasm. She didn't even have a publicist, and Santana really didn't count in that case, and she was taking huge risk just because someone promised her a TV show.

"You're supposed to support me!" Rachel huffed angrily and he could hear her stepping out of the bathtub.

"I support you always but I just think you're making a mistake. Even though that show sounds amazing."

"I'm going to be fine, Kurt." she said surely.

"I hope so, honey." he smiled and started making breakfast. "I want you to be happy."

~*~

Some days work in a diner were great but some weren't as good and Kurt felt like this was one of the worst he's experienced. They were short on staff because Rachel didn't hand in her notice early enough and with her missing and Dani home with a cold Gunther decided Kurt was going to take over all their tables because somehow it was his fault.

Kurt smiled brightly at the customers who asked for their meal to be prepared again as there was too much curry in them, which would made Kurt chuckle and think about Elliott if he wasn't already on the edge.

"Of course, I'll be right back with your food." he took the plates and brought them back to the window.

"They need it less spicy and definitely with less curry, Matt." Kurt said quickly and went to the other table, seeing a familiar face.

"Hey, Elliott." he smiled tiredly. "I don't have much time, it's really busy."

"It's fine, I just really came to eat. I could pick you up after the shift though? We could catch up."

"Sure." Kurt nodded and took out his notepad from the pocket. "So... What do you want? With how much curry?" he winked.

Elliott snorted and rolled his eyes playfully. "Potato salad and some iced tea." 

"Okay, I'll be back in the minute." Kurt put the order by the window and went to another table to collect the tips and then clean it. The group of older ladies who visited daily tipped him slightly better than they usually did Santana or Rachel, it was still far from what most of people left.

Kurt brought the salad and drink to Elliott when it was ready and chuckled as his friend made grabby hands.

"Here it comes, you hungry creature. I'll be finished in half an hour, is it okay?"

"Sure, I'm not in a hurry. You get your tip money and I'll be here to be your last customer to pay before we leave."

"Great." Kurt chuckled and rolled his eyes as he was called by girls. Another music number it's exactly what he needed. But after he was finished and collect tips from three more tables he went back Elliott.

"I'm so ready for today to be over." he announced as Elliott chuckled and nodded, handing him a tip. Kurt raised his eyebrows.

"El, that's definitely too much." he hummed.

"And you've been running around the whole day. Don't worry about this."

Kurt bit his lip but then hid it in his apron pocket and hugged him.

"I'm gonna make up for it to you."

Elliott nodded and rubbed Kurt's back.

"Let's just say I'm making up for that time Dani and I were around and couldn't afford to tip and you told us to come anyway."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for description of sexual assault.

"I want to get married.”  Blaine whispered into Kurt's ear as he thrust his hips making Kurt squirm.

"We're engaged, it's happening.” Kurt murmured between pants and thrust up, meeting Blaine's hips with his.

"No, I want to get married now. Soon.” Blaine kissed his neck. Kurt froze and pushed at Blaine's chest.

"What?" he asked loudly.

"Kurt come on."

"No, no, no.” Kurt tried to push Blaine away. He was shocked. He's been clear about his thoughts about marriage and him not being ready for it.

Blaine grabbed his hips and pushed in once more, a little harder.

"Come on, Kurt, it's not a big deal, we don't have to do it right now..."

"Blaine, no, get away, it hurts.” Kurt pushed on Blaine's chest but the grasp on his hip was too steady and didn't let go for a second. Kurt whimpered, trying to push again while flailing his legs and managed to do it efficiently enough, He breathed in deeply even though he suddenly felt empty without Blaine's cock inside. Funnily, it felt pretty accurate to his emotional state as well. But only physical emptiness was welcome. Kurt rolled on his side and curled up. Blaine wanted to get married. He wanted it to happen fast and Kurt wasn't ready. He said it from the beginning and nothing changed. Kurt was clear about it and suddenly he felt like he was suffocating.

'I don't want to get married, Blaine." he whispered when he felt his fiancé shift behind him. "I told you, I don't want to, I'm not ready..."

Blaine rolled his eyes, sure that Kurt wouldn't see it.

"I told you, I didn't mean right now. I just meant, in general. I felt the moment but it was stupid. I know you're not ready." he whispered and touched Kurt's shoulder which made the boy whimper and move away.

"No, don't touch me." Kurt whispered and curled up more. Blaine clenched his jaw and took a deep breath.

"I just don't want you to think I'm going to force you into anything."

"I know, I just, I need a minute, can you leave me alone?"

Blaine frowned but slowly stood up and put on his briefs. He wasn't going to get anything more that evening so he sighed and nodded.

"I'll be in the shower if you want to talk."

Kurt took a deep breath and tried to calm down. But it suddenly felt like he wasn't safe there. He wasn't safe anywhere because there was always someone wanting more from him, expecting him to do things against his better judgement and it was simply scary. Because he was never good enough.

He only realised  he was crying when he felt someone's arms wrapping around him which made him shriek and try to move away.

"Shhhh, Hummel, it's me." he heard Santana's voice and realised he couldn't see her because of tears in his eyes.

"Santana, I didn't know you were in the apartment?" Kurt whispered in a weak voice and sniffled. Then he realised he was naked and tried to sit up but Santana's grip stopped him from that. She was much stronger than she looked and Kurt sometimes forgot that.

"Calm down. I'm not going after your dick. You're okay." she threw a blanket over him and pulled him to her chest. "You're okay, Hummel."

"He wants to get married. I don't want to..." Kurt sniffled and looked at Santana sadly. "I don't want to get married. And I thought he was never going to stop... I don't want to get married..."

"I know, Kurt. I know and you don't have to get married." Santana said quietly and stroke Kurt's hair. She didn't say anything but definitely noticed that Kurt wasn't just scared∂ of marriage.

She laid with him, her arms wrapped tightly, hugging him as Kurt cried more before he slowly calm down and dozed off, exhausted from the aborted intercourse and then a panic attack.

Santana stood up and covered Kurt with a comforter because he was still naked and it was cold in the apartment,sometimes and then slowly went to the living room where she found Blaine sitting on a couch and watching one of his stupid, too lame to even be called nerdy, TV shows.

"Hey, Gelly." she said quietly, her voice cold and making Blaine frown and turn off TV immediately.

"Is he okay?"

"See, Anderson, let me tell you something. Remember last year? Brody? I'm sure Broadway twins told you the story and you for sure remember him from your first night in the city." she made a quotation mark in the air. "I made him go away. I almost lost prancing twins while trying to achieve that but, as you can see, he's gone. And I'm not saying I'm trying to threaten you. But what I heard today, if I hear anything else like this, ever, I'm going to make you disappear, too. Is it clear?"

Blaine sat up and shook his head with a small smile which reminded Santana of an adult looking at the baby. Guy didn't really help himself with that.

"Look, San. It's nothing. We had a misunderstanding, that's all. I'd never hurt Kurt and I'm not going to force him into anything. I don't really appreciate your threats, I mean I live here and I pay my share of the rent every month. You can't kick me out. And you can't separate us…”

Santana rolled her eyes and moved closer to Blaine.

"I'm just saying. I like to have you all as friends but Lady Hummel is better than all of you. He might have kicked me out of the band but other than that he never did anything to hurt me. And he actually cares, you know. He's just a better friend than you or your West Side Story incestuous lover, or whatever the hobbit and you call yourselves this time.  The point is. He deserves more than you. And her. He deserves better but he's staying with you here and I'm going to make sure he's happy. Or you're out. Simple as that." Santana shrugged and smiled cruelly. Blaine didn't have to know it was just a play to scare him and Santana only pulled it off because more than upset she was worried about Kurt.

"Okay, I promise not to hurt him. Not that I ever did. Are we done?" Blaine rolled his eyes and turned on TV without waiting for an answer.

"Yeah but you're not sleeping with him tonight. You can use my bed or a couch or a fire escape, I don't really care." Santana shrugged and turned around to get back to their room without listening to Blaine's whining.

~*~

"I don't want to do it!" Kurt screamed as he sat up.

"I know, I know." Santana murmured groggily and reached for his hand. "It's okay, Kurt, you're safe. It's just me."

Kurt laid down back and cuddled close to her.

"I'm sorry, I had a nightmare." he whispered and relaxed when he felt the arms wrap around him.

"It's fine, Hummel. Can you go back to sleep?"

"I'm naked." Kurt frowned as he realised it only then.

"Yeah, you were..." Santana sighed and turned on the light. "You can put on clothes if you feel the need to. But I'm not helping you with that, it's too late. My empathy has some limits. And at 3 am they're definitely crossed."

Kurt hummed and tried to roll off the bed but gave up before he managed.

"I want to sleep." he murmured and buried his face in a pillow.

"It's fine, I'm not going to attack you in our sleep. Also I'm pretty sure I've seen your junk already at some occasion."

"We don't mention that, San." Kurt slapped her thigh and made her chuckle and throw a pillow at him.

"Anyway, for the amount of jokes I make about going straight I really couldn't be any gayer.”

'I know. And even if you weren't, I am. Now shut up, I want to sleep."

~*~

Kurt tried to avoid Blaine in the morning which was easy when he had an early morning shift in a diner.  He took a shower and then went to Santana's room.

"I'm sorry you had to sleep here" he whispered to the sleeping figure. "I shouldn't have gotten so bad last night. I was probably stressed and you don't deserve to be treated like that. I love you" Kurt kissed Blaine's cheek and left the apartment. He had a long shift ahead of him.

~*~

Blaine looked at Santana as she came back from the diner. All he knew was that she went to visit Kurt in a diner and bring him lunch.

"Hey, Bright Pants. I'm not going to bite off your dick. Though maybe I should." she threw her bag to a chair. and sat on the second one.

"I told you, it was an accident." Blaine sighed.

"I know. But bad things aren't good just because they were accidents."

"True. It's just hard sometimes. I love him and I just wished we could do everything already."

"Lady Hummel doesn't want it, Gay Smurf. And he thought you two were on the same page." Santana put her legs up on a table.

"Yeah, I might not have been honest enough about it. But I'm ready to wait, you know? I know there's no rush and he's not going anywhere."

"Oh that, Santana rolled her eyes and looked at him. "You know, if it was up to me, he'd not be with you. But it's not my choice. And I like you, I really do, I like all of my friends. But you keep bothering Lady Hummel with your stuff and it feels like you" she pointed at Blaine "forget that we're adults and he tries to squeeze you into your schedules every day. He's always here for you but he's struggling, too. We all do. We're all supposed to be adults and it's stressful especially in this city. He can't babysit you."

"What do you want me to do?" Blaine asked quietly with a frown.

"I don't want you to do anything. You're smart enough to figure it out yourself. And I don't want to sound like I care." Santana shrugged and stood up. "And you better make dinner or I'm not letting you back into your bed today again."

Blaine rolled his eyes and moved to the kitchen as she left to her room.

~*~

When Kurt came back from the shift dinner was already served and he tried to relax while listening to his friends' bickering. Santana seemed a little more tense than usual and he still technically didn't talk to Blaine but it was like any other day.

"How was work?" Blaine asked quietly and Kurt sighed but it wasn't exactly sad. He was just tired and the thought of all struggle in a diner wasn't a very happy one.

"Usual. A lot of angry customers and today one of the cooks was pissed so I had to deal with that, too. So that was fun."

Blaine rubbed Kurt's back and nodded.

"I'm sorry it was stressful."

"It's fine. I'm glad I can relax now, you know? I'm so glad I managed to get this Sunday free."

"Yeah, you should get more free days." Blaine whispered and then starting gathering dishes as there was knock on the door. Kurt slowly got up and went to open, smiling at the sight of Dani and Elliott waited on the other side.

"Well, hello there." he said excitedly and went to hug them both. "What are you doing here?"

"We figured we'd try to convince you to hit the clubs with us but now I see you're in no shape for that." Dani said with a raise of her eyebrows. Kurt shook his head.

"I'd love to but I'm really tired..." he said apologetically.

"Can we come in? We could stay inside today?" Elliott asked.

"Sure, sure" Kurt stepped back and invited them inside. Santana got up and quickly got to them, kissing Dani hello. Blaine promptly ignored them as he continued to do the dishes until Elliott approached him with an extended hand.

"Evening, dude" he smiled friendly, which forced Blaine to dry his hands and greet them. He then slowly excused himself as the group went to Kurt's room and got on his bed.

"You two okay?" Dani asked quietly as they settled down.

"I'm going to tell you two later." Kurt whispered and put his head on her lap and looked at Elliott who already was telling them a story about the kids in the subway trying to pick up on him.

~*~

"What's up with Kurt and Blaine?" Dani asked Santana quietly as they drank their morning coffee. Elliott was still asleep on a couch while Kurt and Blaine were probably as unconscious as him but a lot more gross with their cuddling and Santana was really happy she didn't have to look at it.

"They had some fight." Santana answered, not looking at her girlfriend.

"You know something..."

"Dani, I live here. I know everything. But I can't tell you."

"Why, now?" Dani reached for Santana's head and frowned.

"It's his business. He would probably slap me if I told anyone. And, you know, I'm becoming a better person now." she winked and shushed Dani when she started laughing.

"Is Kurt going to be okay, though?"

"I think so. But you'll have to ask Lady Hummel himself."

Dani nodded and looked out of the window without another word. Both she and Elliott knew something was wrong and they both couldn't decide what it was. Something about Kurt just felt different and despite spending hours on trying to figure out they were still as clueless as when they first noticed it.

"You know, I just want him to be happy."

"I know. We all do" Santana squeezed Dani's hand and rolled her eyes as Blaine came out from behind the curtains, only in his underwear but at least without hairgel. "Look, who's here" he said quickly, stopping Dani from whatever she wanted to say and pointing at Blaine. Dani smiled gratefully and nodded. He didn't have to know they were discussing his fiance's well being.

~*~

Kurt was making dinner with Santana, waiting for Elliott and Dani to come over. Blaine was still in work and they were alone. He joined late when she already had pasta cooking and ignored her comment.

"I had to finish something, sorry."

"Surely you did" Santana hummed and finished chopping vegetables.

"School." Kurt said quietly and started cutting meat into pieces.

"Or just lazy butt, Lady Hummel."

"Think whatever you want." he chuckled.

They worked in silence for some time, not bothered by any sounds and without the needing to talk. Santana glanced at Kurt and then made her decision.

"Why exactly are you with Gay Smurf?" she asked suddenly. Kurt jumped and dropped the knife on the counter.

"You startled me." he said quietly.

"You're easily scared."

"Probably." Kurt shrugged and continued to chop the meat after he rinsed the knife.

"So why are you with him?" Santana asked again.

Kurt sighed and bit his lip. "I love him." he shrugged and put the cut meat on a pan.

"I love Brittany. But I knew when to stop. Sometimes you just can't do it anyway, you know?"

Kurt looked at her with raised eyebrows.

"You were there, Santana. You actually supported it." Kurt looked at her suspiciously. "If you hate him so much..."

"Once again, I don't hate him. I just don't think you should be with him. I don't have to hate him for it."

"There's no reason for me to break up with him. I love him and he loves me, we're engaged and obviously everyone around thinks it's a good choice. I don't see why I shouldn't date him?"

"It's none of my business, lady. But I just think you're not exactly good to each other, you know?"

Kurt shrugged.

"I don't know what you want from me, Santana."

"Just think about it, okay?"

"Sure." Kurt nodded and stirred the vegetables.

"Hello there, sweet lovers!" Elliott entered the apartment and chuckled when he saw Kurt started, again. Santana went to kiss Dani which caused Kurt to make a noise.

"Yeah like you and the helmet hobbit don't make out on the couch I used to sleep on." Santana rolled her eyes.

"Mmmm..." Kurt let Elliott hug him and smiled. "I'm glad you two could make it. I feel like I've been missing something and these dinners, I missed having some kind of ritual with people I know. I used to have it with my parents, then my dad, then the gang and now I have it with you all."

Elliott frowned and looked at him suspiciously.

"Are you okay? You don't seem completely fine, you know?"

"I'm fine." Kurt chuckled and turned back to the pan.

"I don't mean right now? You're different, you know? When I met you for the first time it was completely different. You were different. I'm wondering where that Kurt is."

"I've changed but it's not necessarily a bad thing, right? Everyone changes." Kurt answered quietly.

"It's not, you're right." Elliott nodded and rubbed his back. "Do you need any help?"

"You could put the garlic bread in the oven?"

"Sure, I will..." Elliott nodded and went to help.

Kurt worked in silence for a few minutes until Blaine entered the apartment.

"Hey, everyone." he waved at the girls and went to kiss Kurt.

"Hey." Kurt smiled and pulled Blaine close. "Did you have a good day?"

"It was good. Work was fun but I'm glad to be home."

"I'm glad you're here. I missed you." Blaine kissed Kurt and wrapped arms around him.

"We could... Spend the night together, maybe." Kurt replied quietly and kissed him back with a quiet moan. "Haven't done that a lot..."

"Maybe." Blaine winked and went to fetch himself some juice from the fridge.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: discussion of abuse and sexual assault.
> 
> I'm really sorry for such a long time it took to publish this part. I have the last part ready and I'm going through beta notes. It'll be posted on Sunday.

Kurt spun and landed off the couch before bursting into laugh.

“Okay, so we have a setlist and we’re ready, right?” he asked Dani and Elliott.

“Yeah, it’s great.” Dani replied with a smile.

“We’ll rock. I hope they’re prepared for it.” Elliott sat on the couch and reached for the water bottle.

“Good. We can make dinner, I’ll just change first. Rehearsal clothes are great but I’ve been dressed up for like a week non-stop, I need a break.” he chuckled and went to his room, taking off his sweater on a way. Elliott looked at Kurt’s back and raised his eyebrows. He elbowed Dani who looked at him with a frown before he pointed at Kurt and the bruises on his hips. She sat up straight and leaned over to Elliott when Kurt started moving around his room and making more noise.

“You think…?”

“I don’t know.” he replied in a whisper and leaned on the back of the couch.

“I’ll talk to him.” Dani stood up and looked at Elliott. “Someone has to.”

Elliott nodded and went to the kitchen to start on dinner. Dani entered Kurt’s room and approached him.

 “Hey, Kurt” she said quietly, trying not to startle him.

“Dani?” he spun around and looked at her. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

“It’s not about this. Elliott started making dinner already. I wanted to talk to you?”

“Sure, what’s up?” Kurt pointed at the bed so she could sit as he rested on a chair.

“See, that’s what I’ve been wondering. Are you okay?”

“Of course.” Kurt smiled and nodded. He crossed his arms on his chest and leaned against the table behind him.

“You know, I saw your bruises.” Dani said softly and looked at Kurt.

“It’s nothing, really.”

“You have bruises on your hips, that’s not exactly nothing?” Dani put her knees up to her chest and leaned her chin on them.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Dani.” Kurt said firmly. They were close but it still felt like Kurt shouldn’t share that much yet. It wasn’t a big deal for him but judging by Santana’s reaction that night he wasn’t sure Dani would see it that way, too. Kurt could feel himself blush.

“You have bruises on your hips. I’m not sure it’s nothing… I don’t want you to be hurt, honey.”

“It’s nothing, I promise. I just… Like this kind of stuff, you know?” he answered quietly.

“This kind of stuff as…?”

“Rough sex.” Kurt murmured and blushed deeper.

“Oh…” Dani nodded and smiled. “So you’re okay, right? Because there’s nothing wrong with what you like but I don’t want you to be hurt.”

“I’m not hurt. I’m going to be fine.” Kurt assured her and moved to the bed with a small smile.

“Okay”. Dani pulled him into a hug and held him close for a few seconds. “You’re a great guy, you know?”

Kurt snorted and pinched her side.

“If having rough sex with my fiancé will get me compliments I should do it more” he joked and laid his head on Dani’s shoulder.

“By all means you should have the craziest sex imaginable if you want that.” she chuckled and wrapped an arm around Kurt’s waist. “I’m just worried about you, we all want you to be okay.”

“I’m fine, Dani, I promise.” Kurt mumbled sleepily and snuggled into her side, making her chuckle.

“Cuddle bug,” Dani whispered and tickled him but after he shrieked she let him fall asleep.

Elliott came in after half an hour and raised his eyebrows with a smile after seeing Dani stroking Kurt’s hair while he slept.

“Dinner is ready,” he whispered and sat on the edge of the bed. “Can we let him sleep?”

“We should probably wake him up, I mean look at him, he looks like he forgets to eat all the time.” Elliott said quietly. Dani nodded and bit her lip, looking down at him.

“I tried to ask but he said it’s from consensual fun.” she said quietly. Elliott nodded and smiled at her.

“You did good, Dani.”

“I wish I knew what’s wrong, you know? It kills me to see him like this.”

“I know. I wish, too. Wake him up, okay?” Elliott kissed Dani’s cheek and stood up to go to the kitchen. 

Dani rubbed Kurt’s arm and leaned close to him.

“Wake up, cuddle bug.” she said softly and shook him gently.

Kurt opened his eyes and yawned. “Hey? I fell asleep?” he mumbled and rubbed his eyes. “I wanted to help Elliott with dinner.”

“It’s fine, Kurt. You know he loves cooking,” Dani smiled warmly and got up from the bed. “Come on,” she offered him help with standing up.  
Kurt got up and hugged her. “Thank you for caring” he whispered and went to the kitchen.

~*~

Kurt smiled as Blaine entered the apartment and put his textbook down on the table.

“Hello there,” he said softly and smiled at him. It was a long day of studying alone and he was excited to spend some time with his fiancé.

“Hey,” Blaine put his bag on the table and came closer to the couch. He leaned in and kissed Kurt sweetly. “Enjoying the day without your fiancé bothering you?” he asked teasingly.

“Actually, I missed you.” Kurt pulled Blaine down on top of him by his shirt.

Blaine chuckled and leaned on his elbows so he wouldn’t crush Kurt.

“You’re in a good mood” he smiled and kissed Kurt again. Kurt relaxed and pulled Blaine even closer, kissing him back and humming happily at the taste of a chapstick he had bought Blaine a few weeks earlier. He chuckled and looked at his fiancé and bit his lip.

“I am in a very. Good. Mood.” he stressed every word with a chaste kiss on Blaine’s lips. “I thought we could have dinner and watch some movie? Have a spontaneous date night.”

“Sure…” Blaine kissed Kurt neck and smiled at the desperate sound Kurt made. “Unless you can’t wait.” he reached to Kurt’s hip and stroke it, causing the other man to thrust up.

“I can wait” Kurt pushed on Blaine’s shoulders and chuckled as Blaine pouted and got up. “There’s dinner in the oven it should be ready in ten minutes.”

“Can’t wait.” Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt.

“Did you eat today?” Kurt asked softly and touched Blaine’s cheek. “You know not eating isn’t exactly healthy, right?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Blaine rolled his eyes and kissed Kurt. “I know you care but I’m fine.”

“I’m glad” he smiled and kissed Blaine again before going to the kitchen, making Blaine whimper at the loss of touch. Kurt chuckled and winked as he sat on the counter. “Though… I don’t think I’m up for any play more than blowjobs, I’m still sore…”

“It’s not a big deal.” Blaine said with a smile. “We can do lots without hurting you.”  
Kurt nodded and smiled before going to the kitchen.

~*~

It was a pure accident that when Kurt was cleaning shelves above his head one of the cream jar fell and hit his face. Kurt shrieked and jumped back, touching his cheek with a whimper, cursing himself because it was so going to leave bruises.

Santana came out of her room with raised eyebrows.

“You okay there, Princess?” she asked and entered the bathroom.

“Yeah, just come face cream trying to take away my life.” Kurt joked as she moved to prepare him an ice pack.

“You’re one clumsy Gay Smurf.” she snorted and put the ice in a towel.

“Well, I was supposed to perform in free sing this week but I guess that’s not happening.”

“And why is that?” Santana looked at him and wrapped the ice in a towel before putting it on his face gently. Kurt smiled gratefully.

“I’ll look like a beat up animal.’ Kurt shrugged and sat on the edge of the bathtub before he grabbed the towel himself and pressed it a little harder.

“You looked much more beaten up when you got attacked by these assholes. You looked more beaten up when you faceplanted on a barre. You’ll be fine now, I’m sure of it.” Santana sat on his side and rubbed his back. “You’ll be fine, Lady Hummel.”

Kurt breathed out and sighed in relief.

“It was different both times. Now it’s just a proof I’m clumsy. Don’t you think people will make fun of me?” he asked unsurely.  
Santana furrowed her eyebrows, not missing the fact that Kurt only believed this was the effect of his clumsiness, not the previous accident. She looked up at him and crossed one leg over another, giving him time to finish and herself to hide the fast that she didn’t believe him.

“I think you’ll be fine, pretty face.” she said confidently.

“Okay.” Kurt nodded and fixed the position of the ice pack against his face.

“Let me see,” Santana reached out to his face and touched his cheek. “It won’t look bad” she said softly as Kurt put the ice pack down on the bathtub. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

“I know, next time the Satan face cream attacks me I’ll make sure to come and vent to you,” he joked and stood up.

“Hey, Satan is my nickname.” Santana threw an ice cube at him as he went to the sink. Kurt chuckled and started brushing his teeth.

~*~

One Three Hill was in the middle of rehearsal when Elliott finally couldn’t take it anymore. The bruise on Kurt’s face was making him simply angry even though he had no reason to be actually mad because Kurt never said someone did it to him but it just felt like too much of a coincidence. The first time it was believable, the second time the explanation suggested they shouldn’t try to dig into it. But three times were definitely too much and it wasn’t just something Kurt could avoid talking about anymore because it was obviously something serious.

“Okay, I can’t do it anymore.” Elliott put down his mic and looked at Kurt. “I know you don’t want to talk about it but I can’t look at you like this and just stay silent.”  
Kurt frowned and put his microphone on the stand and turned towards Elliott.

“What’s up? Do you not like the songs choice?” he asked quietly and scrunched his nose when looking at the music notes he held in his hands. “I mean I like it but I’m not set on it.”

“No, it’s about you, Kurt.” Elliott sat on the car chair by the table and motioned to the couch while Dani moved to the kitchen to make some tea.

Kurt rolled his eyes and sat down, crossing his arms on the chest. Here they were again. No matter how many times Kurt said he was okay no one believed him and it was frustrating. Everyone had trouble believing him.

“What do you want to know, then?”

“What happened to you?” Elliott pointed at Kurt’s face.

“I dropped a jar of face cream on myself. Don’t put heavy jars on top shelves.” he shrugged and touched his cheek. “I usually put on some make up but I didn’t think it was necessary for the rehearsal. I’ll do that next time if you’re bothered. I’m sorry.”

“Kurt, we’re not bothered by bruises, come on.” Dani reentered the room with a tray of cups with tea. She put one in front of each of them and sat by Kurt’s side.

“Well you keep making comments about every single one of them” Kurt frowned and brought his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

“It’s okay,” Elliott said gently and leaned closer. “We’re not bothered, we’re just worried.”

“There’s nothing to be worried about,” Kurt said defensively.

“I think there is. And I know you feel attacked right now but we’re not attacking you at all. We don’t want you to feel defensive.”

“I just feel like there’s nothing to talk about. It was an accident this time and there’s nothing to talk about.” Kurt replied quietly. Dani nodded but Elliott sat up straight.

“This time?” he asked quietly and moved to sit on the armrest of the couch.

“Bad wording.” Kurt said quickly and hugged his knees closer.

“Kurt, it’s more than that.” Dani said softly and rubbed his back.

“It’s no big deal, okay? It isn’t. But the first bruises weren’t caused by a barre or whatever.”

“Figured,” Elliott said quietly and sled to the couch seat, crossing his legs. “Is he hurting you?”

“Blaine is not hurting me,” Kurt sighed and bit his lip. “It was just one time. We were fighting and he accused me of cheating. I got mad, we started screaming, he slapped me. It wasn’t a big deal, it’s nothing. We apologised to each other, made up, moved on.”

Dani looked at Elliott and they both frowned.

“Kurt, he hit you, that’s not nothing.” Dani said softly and reached to take Kurt’s hand. “I don’t think it’s healthy for you to stay in a relationship like this. You’re a great guy and you do deserve better than this. And I know it was a one time or two times” she pointed at Kurt’s hips. “But I’m scared it’s not going to be the only time and if it gets worse it’ll be too late for us to help you and we really don’t want that.”

“Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little? So he slapped me. We moved on…”

“Okay, you moved on. Let’s say that happened. Bruises on your hips?” Elliott raised his eyebrows.

“It’s, uh… I told you it’s private.” Kurt looked at Dani.

“Yeah, you did. But can you tell me he didn’t hurt you when he did this?”

Kurt looked down and pinched his thigh. It wasn’t hard, he just had to say Blaine didn’t hurt him. But Dani and Elliott were his friends and maybe the only people he knew who wouldn’t judge him if he admitted that he and Blaine weren’t perfect sometimes. They would understand and not judge him for not being good enough as others sometimes did. But then what if they thought Blaine was just bad for him? Kurt bit his lip and looked at Dani.

“He didn’t mean to” Kurt murmured quietly.

Elliott groaned and shook his head and Dani reached out to put her hand on Kurt’s knee.

“What do you mean he didn’t mean to?” she asked softly.

“It’s just… He said he wanted to get married. But I don’t want to get married, not yet at least. So I panicked. It was silly but I panicked and I wanted to push him away but he grabbed my hips and didn’t let me. And I just felt like I was going to suffocate, like I couldn’t get away from him and I remembered…” Kurt stopped himself and winced. “I just wanted him away but he was gripping my hips and that’s why the bruises…”  
Elliott clenched his teeth and stood up, going to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Not that he was thirsty but he didn’t want to get angry in front of Kurt.

“Why did he grab your hips thought?” Dani asked quietly though she already predicted what the answer would be.

“Uhm, it’s really private.” Kurt said quietly and blushed, trying to avoid looking at her.

“I think I know but I don’t want to judge him based on my assumption, honey.” she said quietly and rubbed Kurt’s back.

“We were having sex when he said that. And I wanted him to get away so I pushed him away but I don’t think he wanted to really stop so he held onto my hips and continued and tried to calm me down. He didn’t really mean to…” Kurt’s voice broke down and he buried his head in his knees.

Dani reached and hugged him awkwardly.

“Kurt, I know you don’t want to hear it but you have to stop this.” she said gently and rubbed up and down on his back and shoulder.

“But we’re happy, we are. It’s not…” he whispered and shook his head.

“I know you are. But for every happy moment there’s an unhappy one and I simply don’t want you to be stuck in a relationship that makes you unhappy.”

“He doesn’t make me…”

“Kurt, what he did was a rape, actually.” Elliott reentered the room and crossed his arms on the chest.

“He didn’t rape me,” Kurt laughed quietly, “Come on.”

Elliott shook his head and crouched down in front of Kurt, and reached for his hand.

“Listen to me, okay? I know it’s hard to think about it that way because more than anything you want to believe a person you love loves you as much. I know it’s hard to admit that something is not going well but your relationship is not a healthy one, as far as I know…”

“No, it’s not that!” Kurt sighed and slumped against the couch. “I love Blaine, I do, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not why I agreed to marry him. I was already happy with someone else when he proposed but…” he sighed and crossed his legs on the couch. “Everyone loves Blaine. And no matter what happens I feel like it never changes. So it’s just easier to carry on with it. And if this or that happens, it’s a relationship, right? Everyone struggles in relationships.”

“Not like this, Kurt.” Dani said quietly and turned to face him. “You never hit him, right?”

“Of course not!”

“And why is that?”

“Why would I hit him? What is so bad that the deserves to be solved with violence? I don’t think… I don’t think anyone deserves to be hit. In any situation” Kurt shrugged.

“Then why are you letting it happen to you?” Elliott asked simply.

Kurt looked at him and bit his lip. Why was he, really? He didn’t think anyone should be hit so why did he let himself be hit and not do anything more about it than just run for a few hours and then accept the apology and apologise himself? Kurt was better than that. Or he used to think that and suddenly he wasn’t sure when he forgot about it.

“Do you really think what he did… It was a rape?” he asked quietly.

“I mean, I don’t know enough about law to say what technically is a rape but you said no and he continued, and that’s definitely not consensual,” Elliott answered.

Kurt took a shaky breath and suddenly leaned into Dani’s arms. She caught him in a hug quietly and held him as she heard his breath hitch and his body started shaking. Dani looked at Elliott and rubbed Kurt’s back, making a shushing noise more as an attempt to comfort him than make him stop.

“You’re okay, honey. You’re going to be okay.” she whispered and kissed the top of his head. She only let go a few minutes later when Kurt moved back and sniffled.

“It’s just… It wasn’t the first time. And I always thought everything was okay because everyone told me it was okay…”

“What did he do?” Elliott interrupted him.

“The first time… Well, before…” Kurt inhaled sharply and closed his eyes. “We weren’t really…”

“It’s okay, Kurt.” Dani rubbed his back again and let her hand stay there as Kurt slowly relaxed.

“Before our first time, he said he wanted to wait for me so we’d both be comfortable but then he got drunk one night when we were at the gay bar and tried… At the back of the car. I got out but I had to say no so many times and I only managed to get away because he pulled me on top of him. He just kept trying and kept touching me but I thought it was okay because come on, we were boyfriends, right? And he was drunk and horny so it was okay. But it’s just… I’m scared of saying no sometimes. When I got out of the hospital I didn’t really want to do anything but I just didn’t want to spoil the fun, you know, because he wanted to and just because I didn’t feel up to, I mean…”

Elliott looked at him horrified and shook his head.

“Kurt, I have had a lot more experience with sex than you, I believe. And never, even once, I was scared that the other guy would hurt me if I said no. You shouldn’t feel like he might stop listening any minute. It’s not how relationships work.” he explained patiently and then stood up. “I don’t think you should stay here.”

“What? No, that’s crazy…”

“No, listen to me.” Elliott asked quietly and sat by Kurt on the couch again. “You need to take a step back and get away from here. You’re living with him and you can’t just make a decision like this when he’s here. I don’t think you should be with him and I doubt Dani thinks it’s a good idea either. Man, I’m pretty sure Santana thinks the same way. But we can’t just force you. You need to realise it yourself, think about everything and make that decision alone. And for that to happen you need some distance from Blaine.”

“What am I supposed to tell him though? Sorry, Blaine, I need to decide if I want to break up with you, be back later?” Kurt rubbed his temples and sighed.

“No, you just leave, text him, or not, that you need some time for whatever reason.”

“I don’t have a place to stay.”

“You can stay with me.” Dani offered and smiled at him.

“I don’t want to cause any…”

“Shut up,” she interrupted him, making Elliott chuckle. “Just pack your bag and come, it’s not a problem.”

Kurt nodded slowly and hugged his knees.

“What if I’m making a mistake?”

“Then you can always come back.” Elliott offered him a hand to help standing up and smiled. “Come on, we’ll help you pack.”  
Half an hour later Kurt had a suitcase as well a backpack ready and he looked around the loft, stopping at the picture of him and Blaine by the door.

“He’s going to be so mad.” he hugged himself and bit his lip.

“He has no right to.” Elliott said firmly and grabbed Kurt’s backpack before taking his hand and leading him out of the room. “You’re not doing anything wrong.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello, here's the promised last chapter of Killing Me Softly! But! Don't worry, this fic is just the first part of a planned series. I can't promise any specific date when I'll start publishing the sequel but I can promise - it will be here sooner or later. For now - enjoy!

The subway ride was silent, Kurt sitting between Dani and Elliott and clutching his suitcase. They let him take his time getting used to the thought of moving out of the loft, even if it was temporary. They got out of the train and into Dani’s building and only then Kurt stopped and frowned at them. 

“That’s your place.” he said to Elliott and crossed his arms over his chest.

“We live by each other.” Dani explained quickly and pushed Kurt slightly to move. “I was looking for an apartment, Elliott’s neighbour was looking for a tenant, so I rented the condo below Elliott’s.” 

“So we’ll be all close to each other?”  

“Yeah.” Dani beamed and bounced happily, making Kurt chuckle.

“Good thing we’re below you otherwise I’m sure the curry smell would spread around your place, too,” he said quietly not but really quiet enough for Elliott to miss it. 

“Hey, I heard that!”

“I know” Kurt chuckled and pushed the elevator button. “So, are you two enjoying living near each other? I always thought living that close to your friends could be overkill but then I moved in with my best friend and let Santana join us so my idea of ‘too close’ changed.” 

“Yeah, it’s cool. When I need to borrow salt he’s always close.” Dani winked.

The elevator opened and Kurt went inside, rolling the suitcase behind him. He stood in a corner and looked at his friends. 

“What if I’m making a mistake? And he doesn’t let me come back?”

“If he doesn’t let you come back then he doesn’t deserve you.” Elliott said confidently and chose Dani’s floor button.

Kurt bit his lip and looked at them. Maybe they were right, maybe he needed time away from Blaine but maybe it wasn’t going to help either. He never felt like he should break off the engagement, no matter how bad he sometimes felt, he and Blaine always managed to make up. 

“Maybe I should go home.” Kurt whispered and grabbed the handle of a suitcase.  

“Kurt, come on, you can’t back out from it now. I mean, you can, no one is going to force you to do it but it’s just giving you a chance to think it through. I think it’ll be healthier.” Dani pushed him towards the door gently when the elevator stopped.

Kurt bit his lip and slowly went out from the elevator, his fist clenched on suitcase handle. Dani smiled at him and opened her door. 

“It’s not as amazing as your loft but it’s home.” she said apologetically as Kurt entered after her.

The apartment was designed nicely in a modern style, white walls and black, simple furniture with a lot of glass in the kitchen and a lot of personal touches like framed pictures and colourful cushions scattered around. 

“I like it.” Kurt smiled and put his suitcase by the wall. “It’s really nice, the design and your additions.”

“I’m glad you like it.” Dani smiled as Elliott put Kurt’s backpack on the chair by the table. “It’s less homey than I would like but I made the best out of it.” 

“It looks great.” Kurt sat by the table and drew his knees to the chest.

Elliott looked at him but decided not to say anything and went to the kitchen to make them coffee. 

Dani joined him and they chatted only breaking it off for a few seconds when they brought Kurt his tea before going to talk in her bedroom.

~*~

Kurt: Hey, I’m going to leave for a few days to think. I’ll see you when I’m back. 

_ Blaine: What do you mean leave? _

_ Blaine: Like, move out? _

Kurt: Yeah. Don’t worry now, we’ll talk in a few days. 

_ Blaine: Okay? I hope you’re alright. Love you. _

Kurt: xoxo

 ~*~

Kurt was lying on the bed, which he and Dani were sharing because unlike Rachel he wasn’t going to make the actual owner of the place sleep on the couch, but they both decided Blaine and Santana wouldn’t mind them sharing a bed in a completely friendly manner. 

Santana dropped her bag on the floor and looked around and then raised her eyebrows. 

“I found the lost treasure.” she smiled and went to the bedroom to hug him. “I thought you were lost forever.”

Kurt raised his eyebrows and let himself be hugged before sitting back on the bed. 

“Where is your heart made of stone?” he joked and put down the Vogue issue he had been reading before getting off the bed. 

“You know, I’m still working on it but I was worried. I’m going to actually add some salt to Dani’s sugar jar as a revenge for not telling me you were here.” Santana shrugged and went to the kitchen and sat on the table, waiting for Kurt.  

“Well, you don’t have to, I asked her not to tell anyone. And you can’t do the salt trick, I live here now, too, I’d hate to have to hurt you,” he winked when joining her, but after a short moment of hesitation he took the chair. “Is Dani coming soon?”

“Not right now but I’ll have think about it when she’s back,” Santana joked and nodded. “Her shift is over now I believe.” 

Kurt shook his head and sighed quietly. 

“How’s the loft?” 

"Good, angry panties is quiet for once. I think he misses you. He started cooking so there’s only a diet menu for dinners which pisses me off. He’s mad at me because I didn’t tell him where you are. And I’ll admit it’d be reasonable if I had known. He’s worried. The loft has a seriously worried atmosphere.”

“I’m glad he cares,” Kurt mumbled back and rested his forehead on his knees. “I’m just not sure if I can really come. I’ve been here for two days but I’ve had so much rest, despite school and the diner. It’s just so much easier to breathe here, when there’s only Dani and me.”

“Well I can move in with her and you and jell-o can have the loft.” Santana shrugged and picked up a cookie from the plate on the table.

“No, I mean… I don’t think I want to be with Blaine anymore.” 

Santana raised her eyebrows and smiled. 

“Good for you, Hummel.” 

“It’s not good.” Kurt snapped and stood up. “There’s nothing good about it. I have to change my whole life again and it just sucks so much.” 

“You don’t have to change your whole life because of one person, Hummel. I thought it worked like that when I broke up with Britt but it doesn’t. Maybe you're not good at taking care of yourself, much better at caring for others, but this is purely for you and it means you’re going to get better. Even if for a little while it feels like bullshit. So you’re not going to break down. You’re going to get something positive out of it now and then see how everything else just gets better slowly.”

Kurt shook his head and paced around the room, his boots clicking on the floor because of his nervous steps. 

“You think that’s so easy but it’s not. It feels like I’m going to ruin my life.” 

“I know. But you’re not ruining your life and you’ll get over it. Seriously, what good was Blaine lately? Just be honest for a moment.”

“Well, he got me to perform in front of all patrons in the showcase…”

“After lying.” 

“We have amazing sex…”

“He sometimes forgets he needs consent for that, too.”

Kurt groaned and glared at Santana.

“Every day life is good though. It feels good to be with him.”

“Does it feel better than being with Brisney Prince?”

Kurt stopped abruptly and shook his head. 

“It’s not about Adam. I miss him, I loved him. But he’s not coming back because I hurt him. So even if it did feel better, it doesn’t really matter.” 

“But it matters to you. If you were happy with him, why did you even take the Hobbit 2.0 back? Why not just continue what was good for you?” Santana raised her eyebrows. Hummel was confusing sometimes. She was used to being around confusing people, having dated Brittany on and off for months, but he was different. He was hiding a lot and often forgot to take care of himself in favour of caring for other people. It sucked because it felt like while people loved him he just didn’t love himself enough. Or kept forgetting he did.

“I said yes because everyone thought it was better for me so how could I just… Risk it? I mean, you were there, too.”

“Because I thought that was what you wanted. All your friends there when you got engaged,” Santana sighed. 

“I didn’t even know he was planning to propose. I regretted agreeing to get back together the same evening. I didn’t tell Adam because I was sure I’d take it back by the time I got to New York. It was a mess. And then he proposed in front of everyone and how was I supposed to say no?” he heaved a sigh and leaned against the wall, looking at Santana. “I was starting something new in New York and everyone told me I wasn’t supposed to, that I was supposed to be back with Blaine and I didn’t know how to say no. Everyone loves Blaine.” 

Santana snorted and rolled her eyes. “That’s bullshit.”

“You know it’s not. You know, he got everything back in Glee and he gets everything now in NYADA. All my friends are suddenly Blaine’s. He gets everything so easily and it felt like if I didn’t give myself to him I’d be the one to blame and lose everything…” Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose as Santana gaped at him. 

“Does anyone know about it? Did you tell?”

“Who?” Kurt laughed sadly and shook his head. “There’s no one I could tell because everyone instantly falls in love with Blaine so I just rolled with it. I lost Adam on the way and I didn’t have anyone to talk about it. My dad didn’t like the idea of me dating an older stranger, Blaine didn’t even want to hear about me dating him. You didn’t like Adam…”

“Hummel, no. I liked him but it felt like you didn’t like him enough. You hooked up with Anderson when you were already going out and you just seemed so unsure of what you wanted, I just thought you wanted Blaine and replaced him with a new Disney prince.” 

Kurt sighed and closed his eyes, rubbed his temples and then looked again at Santana. How did people not realise that him trying to figure out his feelings wasn’t supposed to be against Adam. Confusion didn’t mean the urge to go back to Blaine. It was his first relationship so giving up on it completely was a slow, hard process but no one seemed to notice he just needed time and not to get back to dating his ex. Now it was already too late for him and Adam to have a shot ever again but at least he could get out of the relationship that felt so wrong lately. 

“I just needed to get over Blaine and I didn’t want to rush into anything. I’m not the one to go to bed with someone before I know for sure. And once I knew everyone was already on Blaine’s side.”

“I’m sorry.” Santana said quietly. “We didn’t know but that’s not an excuse. We should have known better. I should have known better.”

“I didn’t exactly give you any clear signs, either. It’s okay. It’s just… Now I’m a mess.” 

“We’ll fix it.” Santana got up and went to Kurt. “Come on, hug time and then you forget I ever got so soft,” she whispered and smiled as Kurt leaned into her arms and exhaled deeply. “You’re going to be okay, we’re all going to make sure you will.” 

Kurt whimpered and clutched harder to her as his body shook from a sob. He didn’t have the energy to keep everything inside anymore. Usually it felt like a better option but it was exhausting. He deserved more, he needed more, it felt like not letting anyone in was hurting him so much and it was too painful. 

“You’ll be okay” Santana rubbed Kurt’s back and held him, still stunned that he let himself for an emotional outburst like this. 

After a few minutes Kurt moved back from her and wiped his face with a tissue he grabbed from a table.

“I’m sorry, it’s… It’s been a difficult year.”

“I know. I’m surprised you’re holding on as well as you do. But if there’s anyone with a bigger ice queen mask than mine then it’s you so maybe I should have expected that anyway.” Santana joked and earned a playful slap on the arm from Kurt.

“Well maybe we just needed to replace Rachel’s drama dose in the loft,” he replied and went to the kitchen. He wanted to start making dinner before Dani got there. Kurt barely had a chance to cook lately and that was at least a tiny little bit he could do for Dani.

“Let me help you,” Santana offered and grabbed the groceries she brought home with her.

“You don’t have to.” Kurt hummed and started making pasta.

“I want to,” she replied and came behind him. “You know, I was thinking about what I’m supposed to do about living arrangements…”

“You and Blaine can have the loft. You just need to pay the deposit and the two months I had to pay to get the lease signed. So I can start looking for something new and have some money on me. I don’t mind and I’m sure the landlord won’t.”

“I’m not staying there with Anderson, are you okay?” Santana rolled her eyes. “I’m going to move in with Dani if you move out.” 

“Oh…” Kurt bit his lip and looked at her. “Well then I either stay with you or Blaine does.” 

“Exactly.” she nodded and cut vegetables. Kurt smiled happily. 

“I’d love to stay in the loft but sometimes I’m thinking I should just, you know, move on. It’d be a new start.”

“Both ideas are okay. We’ll see what Anderson does.”

“I’m glad you’re not against this.”

“I’m for anything that makes you happy. Hummel.” 

~*~

Kurt was cuddling on Elliott’s side while they watched Grey’s Anatomy after the rehearsal. He groaned at the scene on a screen and as he straightened his back, noticed that Dani was asleep. 

“Hey, do you think we can pause this? Maybe have a drink?” Kurt asked quietly. 

“Uh-huh, drinking?” Elliott raised his eyebrows and nodded. “Sure, we can have some but I think it’d be better to go upstairs. Dani has a morning shift and we’re both free so we can stay awake a little longer in my place without waking her up.”

Kurt nodded and grinned. 

“But then we’re using your alcohol.,” he poked Elliott’s chest playfully and stood up. 

“Sure,” Elliott chuckled and grabbed the remains of the chips from the table and covered Dani with a blanket.

“It’s fine, I’ll carry her to bed when I come back.” Kurt whispered and grabbed the Chinese leftovers from the table. He put it in the fridge and grabbed a bowl of salad. “Dani won’t eat it because it has chicken so we could use it if we get hungry,” he explained to Elliott. 

“Come on, stop worrying, she’s just an elevator ride away” he chuckled and pulled on Kurt’s arm gently. They left the apartment, both carrying some food and got upstairs. Kurt waited until they were inside and put the salad on the table.

“Alcohol!” he jumped up and down and clapped happily. Elliott chuckled and rolled his eyes playfully. 

“Wine or something stronger right away?” 

“Wine is cool.” Kurt jumped up on the counter and smiled. “Sorry, I’m probably too happy about it. But I feel like lately I haven’t had time to loosen up a little bit.”

“It’s fine. It’s good to see you like this,” Elliott opened the bottle of white wine and poured it into the glasses.

~*~

Kurt looked up at Elliott and smiled. They were dancing around the room to some music that was already random after a short playlist they set up. He reached and grabbed Elliott’s hand, spinning around and landing against his chest with a giggle. 

“You’re tall.” he hummed.

“You’re drunk.”

“We both are,” Kurt shrugged and swayed his hips to the music.

“True. What are we going to do about it?” 

“Nothing,” he wrapped his arms around Elliott and closed his eyes. It felt good, being able to stop worry and just have fun for a few days. It only made him more sure. “But we can dance?” 

“Sure, youngster.” Elliott smiled and went to his docked iPod to turn something on. Kurt chuckled when “Bad Romance” played and started making paws at Elliott, who rolled his eyes and joined him.

Kurt laughed when Elliott grabbed his hands and spun him around at the end of the song and then immediately pressed them together as the next one started. 

Kurt looked up at Elliott when the song ended and suddenly he realised how close they were. He reached out and climbed on his tip-toes, crushing their lips together. Elliott responded immediately by wrapping an arm around Kurt’s shoulders and pulling him closely. Kurt whimpered at the deep kiss. He reached for Elliott’s zipper and undid the button but Elliott grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“No, Kurt…” he broke the kiss and sighed quietly. “I know you want it now. It’s understandable. But you’re still with Blaine, you two are still dating right now and it wouldn’t be okay.” Elliott said quietly and kissed Kurt’s forehead. 

“But I’m going to break up with him as soon as I come back.” Kurt said surely. 

“You don’t know this, honey.” Elliott sighed and took Kurt’s hand to lead him to the couch. 

“I know! And you said I should!” Kurt frowned and didn’t sit down by Elliott. He crossed his arms on the chest and glared which made Elliott chuckle. 

“I know you know now. But you have no idea if you will feel the same way soon.” Elliott explained with a smile.

“You don’t believe me.” Kurt pouted. 

“I do believe you. I know you want to break up with Blaine at this moment, I do know it. But I also know when you meet him, when you two talk it may still change. And then you’ll regret it. And if Blaine finds out, whatever you do now will be seen as cheating. Whatever you tell Blaine you’ll always be a bad guy who cheated on your fiancé. And you do not want that, honey.” 

Kurt sighed and slumped on the couch against Elliott. 

“You’re right. As always.” he admitted and curled against his friend’s body. “It’s just… I want to be free already now.” 

“You want to be free because you want to try things with me right now.”

“Maybe…”

“If you’re single again I promise I won’t go anywhere but you may not want to then. Which won’t make me mad.” Elliott promised and ruffled Kurt’s hair.

“I’m really glad you’re my friend, Elliott.” Kurt whispered and closed his eyes. 

 ~*~

Kurt entered the loft after his shift at the diner. He decided now was as good time as any and went back to it, waiting for Blaine. Kurt sat by the piano and touched the keys gently. When Blaine and Sam visited them and brought the piano it was such a nice touch. Both Kurt and Rachel. Santana, too even though she would never, ever admit it appreciated the gesture. It really helped with vocal exercises and was a really nice for long evenings when they just felt like singing together. Kurt smiled sadly and started playing softly. He didn’t want to interrupt his neighbours but he needed to relax before the conversation that was about to happen. He was in the middle of a third song when the door opened. Blaine stepped in and threw his bag by the door, reaching to take off his shoes and he stopped in the middle of moving. 

“Kurt?” His face lit up and he straightened immediately, coming close to the piano. Kurt took a deep breath and turned on the stool, smiling. 

“Hey.” he said quietly and stood up.

“Are you back?” Blaine asked with a smile and reached for Kurt’s waist, touching his hip lightly.

“Not really, no. I just thought we should talk.” Kurt took a step back and grabbed Blaine’s hand, leading him to the couch.

“Uh-oh, that doesn’t sound good.” Blaine raised his eyebrows and frowned, following Kurt to the couch where he sat down, too. 

“It’s not. I mean…” Kurt sighed and bit his lip. “I just don’t think I can continue this. I don’t think we should be together anymore,” he said quietly and looked down at his lap.

“What… do you mean?” Blaine asked quietly and moved a little further from Kurt.

“I mean… Everything that has been happening, you have to see it. It’s not healthy, we’re not healthy for each other.” Kurt bit his lip and finally looked up at Blaine, barely stopping himself from crying.

“But I love you. And you said you love me?” 

 

“I do. And I know you do, too. But it’s just not enough, you know? Not for me. There are days when everything is amazing. It can go for weeks but then…” Kurt sighed and shook his head, resigned. “I’m not going to say I’m innocent here because I’m not. But even on the days when everything is great I just keep expecting something bad to happen. And when it happens sometimes I’m not even hurt as much as I’m resigned. And it scares me. I don’t want to be in a relationship that will always feel like I’m on the edge.” 

“I can change…” Blaine said quietly in a trembling voice. 

“I know you can. But I… I don’t want to be here for that. I don’t want to keep being hurt because you need to figure out what’s good for you.” Kurt said simply and stood up slowly. “It’s not… I know you’re going to be hurt. It’s not painless for me. I thought… I thought we were this… we were going to be forever. I had doubted for some time while we were broken up but when we got engaged I was sure I had been wrong. We were going to be forever again. But not anymore.” 

Blaine inhaled sharply and shook his head. 

“You… You can’t just leave, what will I have left if you just go away…” he whispered and reached to Kurt’s hand. 

Kurt sighed and took Blaine’s hand in his two, squeezing it gently. "You’ll just have to figure it out yourself. As for relationships… You’ll figure it out. You will. If you take a break for a while then that’s good, too. I just can’t be here for you anymore.” 

“What happened? You didn’t say anything before you left and now you’re back saying all this…” 

“I had to think about this. I had to make sure this way of what I wanted which is why you can’t talk me out of this right now. I made up my mind. This isn’t healthy for me and I just have to think about myself for once.” Kurt said quietly and sighed. “I’ll give you some time, okay? We can discuss living arrangements another time…” he stepped towards the door. 

Kurt slipped the ring off his finger and put it on the piano before he went to the door. 

“Just promise me one thing?” Blaine asked quietly, looking up in Kurt’s direction.

“What is it?” 

“Don’t cut me off completely. I don’t want to become enemies because of the break up.” Blaine looked at him hopefully. Kurt smiled and nodded. 

“As long as you can accept my decision without trying to pursue me then I’m not planning to.”

“Thank you.” Blaine whispered before Kurt shut the door behind himself. 

Kurt managed to get out of the building without crying but as soon as he hailed a cab and was inside the car he broke down on the back seat, drawing his knees to his chest and ignoring the driver completely. He stared out of the window as sobs ripped through his chest, his whole body shaking. Kurt didn’t look at anything special, just cars going by them, buildings disappearing as he rode by them. 

He did it. He broke up with Blaine. That coffee shop the cab just went by? It wasn’t theirs anymore. There was no them. And with relief, because it did go better than he expected and he was about to start a new part of his life, came sadness. Because they used to mean something amazing, something he cherished and it gave Kurt a feeling of safety. It was gone now. Kurt shook his head as another sob shook his chest and he hugged his knees and hid his face. 

He was terrified, once again he was in New York, single and it felt like starting over once again. By the time Kurt got out of the cab he made up his mind though. He was going to make the best out of this new chance. 


End file.
